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Should you make a guy work for sex?

Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

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I read an article the other day and for the life of me, I can't find where it was that I read it but it talked about having sex on the first date and how it's too soon and so on. Clearly that is not really that uncommon of an idea, I mean I have read that in countless books and articles. But somewhere in the article it mentioned how a woman should make a man work for it. Coincidentally I have had conversations about this with a couple of guy friends I know lately so apparently there are quite a few people that share this belief. 

Of course, this all made me think (and we all know that thinking leads to blogging). Honestly, I am not sure if like the idea that I am supposed to make a guy jump through hoops to prove he is worthy of being naked with me. Maybe it makes me naïve, but frankly I find the whole idea a little odd for many different reasons.

First of all, I am not sure if I like what this whole thing implies about the male species. Doesn't it kind of imply that every single guy out there is ready and willing to have sex with any woman at anytime and that the second a woman wants to do it he will just lie down and do it? Clearly I know that I might get myself into trouble for saying that but I have to tell you that I have known plenty of guys that have wanted to wait a little while to have sex. And yes, you can go ahead and read that as I have been ready and the guy hasn't.

I also don't like that it kind of implies that guys are only in it for the sex and once they get it they will be gone. Sorry to break it to you but I know plenty of women who are into sex just as much as guys supposedly are. I also know plenty of men that aren't as into it as I am. I think it really all depends. But the point is, if a man is working for it, shouldn't I be working for it as well?

Second of all, what exactly is there to work for here? I mean is it a treat and if he is a good boy he will get it? That just seems way too weird to me. If a guy is super awesome and going out of his way to do things for me that should be a reflection of his desire to have a relationship with me and should make me want a relationship with him (given that chemistry and all that other stuff is in place). And maybe I am just crazy for thinking that but I honestly believe that the relationship is the "prize" here.

Third of all, I guess it seems a little ass backwards that you would make the guy that you actually like work for it but then you can give it up easily to the guys you don't really like as much. I am not sure if I can even make sense of that. Now, I don't want to say that I sleep with every guy that I meet, but I have had a few one night stands here and there. None of those guys really had to do a whole lot to get it from me. Yet I am supposed to make this guy over here that I like a whole lot work for it. Really, something about that just doesn't sit right with me.

And I am not saying anything against waiting at all. Sex is a very personal choice and everyone has to make their own decision about that. I just think of sex as something that just kind of happens. It happens when you feel ready to have it, not because of how many hoops someone is willing to go through to get it. In fact, the best sex always happens when you don't actually plan it or work for it (but that's a whole other blog post).

I am pretty sure that I could go on and on about this, but I guess the bottom line is that, for me, you go out of your way because you care about the person and you want to earn (and keep) their trust. My feelings for a person are what drive me to put in an effort, not sex. And call me crazy but that's how I think it should be and that's what I want in return.




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Squirechick said:

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Great post. I think too much emphasis has been put on sex as a measurement of your relationship status. If you want to sleep with someone go for it. Be safe but don't hold back because society tells you to wait.

Jessica Downey said:


You are so right, there is way too much emphasis on sex in relation to relationship status. I always say be smart about it. We are all different and we are the only ones that know exactly what's right.

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