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If you don't want a second date then don't talk about it it

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Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

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The last couple of dates that I have been on have been pretty good dates. Actually one date was pretty awesome and fabulous and you can read about my thoughts on all of that over here. At any rate, the dates were pretty good and I sensed that the feelings were somewhat mutual since each guy mentioned what we should do on our second date.

Well, here it is weeks later and I have yet to actually have those second dates.

And no, trust me, I am not still waiting for those second dates to happen. This isn't the first time in my life that this sort of thing has happened and I don't really think that's the kind of thing you sit around and wait around for. I mean, if a guy hasn't contacted me (or responded to my attempts to contact him) after a few days I generally think you should just move on.

Honestly, I was pretty bummed about the really awesome and fabulous date. I genuinely believed that there would be a second date (and I genuinely wanted there to be a second date). I also want to genuinely believe when he talked about the second date that he truly wanted there to be one. But since that didn't actually happen I can't really be sure. After all, if he really wanted one wouldn't it have actually happened?

Frankly, this is something that I have just never understood. Why do some guys talk about the second date if they aren't actually planning on going on a second date? I understand that there are those guys that simply just don't follow through with women and, yes I am also aware that there are guys that just don't want to follow through with me. However, I feel like those are things that you should know about yourself. And if you know that you are the kind of guy that isn't going to follow through then don't talk about the second date.

I get that sometimes a guy is blind sided by a woman who is planning their next date and to be polite he agrees. I am not sure how I really feel about that, but I get it. But if the woman hasn't even almost mentioned a second date then clearly you can't really use that as an excuse.

I also get that there are guys that sometimes get all caught up in things and think there will be a second date. Then somewhere between thinking that and actually taking a woman on a second date they somehow decide that they don't actually like the woman enough to follow. But this kind of goes with what I said before. If you know that this sometimes happens then just don't talk about the second date, I mean really.

Sometimes I wonder if guys feel like a woman really needs to hear that. It's almost as if some guys might think that a woman needs to hear references to the future in order to feel comfortable when she is out with a guy. Maybe it's kind of like the whole breaking up thing or maybe it goes into the whole idea that women put a whole lot more meaning into a date than a guy does. I don't know.

Here's the thing though. Women don't really need to hear that there is going to be a second date unless you are going to actually ask us out on a second date. Actually, to be totally honest here, it doesn't really mean a whole hell of a lot unless you are going to actually follow through with it. Frankly, it makes you look a little douchey.

Honestly, I know plenty of women who get that sometimes a drink date is just a drink date and we will never see you again. Most of us even get that sometimes dinner is just dinner. Just because we go out on one date with a guy does not mean that it will lead to a serious relationship or a marriage proposal and most of us are pretty okay with that. I promise. Actually, sometimes the feeling is mutual and we don't want to see the guy again either.

The bottom line is that, to me, the mention of the second date means something. It is somewhat of a sign that things are going well. It says "I kind of dig you and I am not repulsed at the thought of doing this again sometime." It's not something that you say just to make casual conversation and it's not something that I need to hear on every date. So, really, if you don't mean it just don't say it.

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6 Comments

MsChick74 said:

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Great post! I just wrote something similar to this on my blog. Basically, I came to the conclusion that if a guy isn't calling you to go out again, he's a schmuck and you're better off. At least that's my opinion/experience.

Jessica Downey said:

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Thank you! You are so right that I am better off. And I am totally cool with guys that don't want a second date, it's just annoying when they plan it and then never follow through.

Joe Amoia said:

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Jess,

men do shitty things (and so do women). If I had a nickel for every woman who said "Yes, Definitely, Let's do this again" and who then blew me off, I'd be having lunch regularly with Donald Trump!!! When I was single I learned that those individuals who got all excited and started planning the future during the first date were usually more interested in the idea of having a partner than they were in actually finding the right partner for them.

I recommend to the women I work with that they should run anytime they find a guy who comes on strong and immediately starts planning the future (BTW...it works both ways). The purpose of "DATING" is to get to know someone to see if you want to be in a relationship with them. Unfortunately, in the dating world, people do some stupid things which often leave u scratching u'r head and saying "WTF". When I got to this point I simply gave up expecting people to follow thru on their words b/c I realized that if I let things unfold time would reveal if the person was serious or not.

Jessica Downey said:

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I definitely know that men and women do shitty things, but that doesn't mean it's not frustrating when it happens. And I also know it works both ways. Trust me, I never claim that women are perfect at all. I definitely agree that if a guy is planning our entire future it's probably not a good sign. However, I don't think that talking about the second date is the same thing as planning for the future. In fact there are many people that think that if you don't plan the second date then it means the guy isn't interested. And I just happen to think it’s rude to plan the second date and not follow through.

Elizabeth Rago said:

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Is thinking/talking about a second date considered "planning for the future"? I think more times than not, individuals do not want to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone. It's easier to avoid their phone calls. Rude? Completely.

Being honest is not always easy, but I think it shows strength in character.

Jessica Downey said:

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I totally agree with you. Being honest is hard, especially if something uncomfortable is involved. But it most definitely shows strength in character.

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