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I don't want a guy who needs to be fixed

Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

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I was chatting with a friend today about dating. He's a friend from Indiana who tends to get annoyed with the whole internet dating thing (hey, don't we all?) so a lot of times that's where our conversations lead.

Sometimes he feels frustrated when he sends a message to a woman and she doesn't respond. Forgive me here because I am paraphrasing since I don't remember the exact way he phrased it but apparently another friend once told him that maybe he's a little too put together. You know, it kind of goes with that idea that women want a man that they can change or fix.

Now, this could be the case with the guy. I have seen some of the messages he sends and read over his profile. And I can definitely tell you that he looks like a put together guy (not that it's a bad thing because it's not). I mean, his stuff is spelled and punctuated correctly and everything.

I know there are women out there who date guys who they can fix. And I am not just talking about a guy's fashion sense but rather their emotions. Sometimes even morals and values. I will confess that it's something I was guilty of when I was younger. It is also something that I learned a lot from.

And, I have to tell you that when it comes to having an actual real relationship, it just doesn't make sense to me.

When I was in college I used to date all the bad boys. I mean, half the guys I dated didn't even have a driver's license and it was usually from a DUI. I also dated more than my share of guys that were addicted to something. It was usually pain pills. I actually dated a guy who stole my parents credit card. Yeah, that was awesome. Then, of course, there was Mr. BST  who was a total mess emotionally.

All these guys seems to need me on some level or I guess I thought the needed a girl like me. I thought they needed to be fixed. I thought I could fix them. Though technically, for me, I don't think it was really about fixing them, it was just nice to be needed. I mean who doesn't like the feeling of being needed?

Here's the thing though, situations like that never work and that's not the reason you should ever want to date someone. Don't get me wrong here, I am not saying if your significant other gets into trouble that you shouldn't help them because clearly you should. I am just saying the trouble a guy is experiencing shouldn't fuel your desire to date him. And the satisfaction you get from a relationship shouldn't be from fixing a person. That's just a recipe for disaster.

Eventually I grew up a little and realized that those types of relationships do more harm to me than anything. Honestly, they do more harm than any satisfaction from helping anyone could ever undo. It's exhausting a and mentally draining. And down right pointless.

Clearly I know that there is always room for growth and with growth sometimes comes a little change. However, that's totally different from someone who needs to be fixed. I also know that people usually come with some kind of baggage . After all, we have all had painful break ups and many people have experienced other types of tragedies. Those are things that will always be a part of you but it's a totally different story if you are leading some kind of destructive lifestyle.

I know that relationships are not an exact science and there will always be things that you have to work through. I am just saying I want a guy who has his shit together. And when I say "has his shit together" I don't necessarily mean a guy who has a great job and makes lots of money. Though, he should be employed unless he has a good reason (like the crappy economy). No, I mean everything.

Call me crazy but I don't want to waste my time fixing a guy. I would much rather spend my time with a great guy who is already put together.




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sarah said:

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Ok, so I'm new to your site -- loving it!

Before this post, I read your post about your niece's inhibitions, inspiring you to tone down the anxiety surrounding first impressions and I totally agree. Women are trying to seem FAR too perfect and polished.. and unapproachable/personality-less. (If I've learned anything from dating foreign men, they believe American woman treat a date like a job interview, which is totally annoying)..
Here's what I'm wondering: Oprah was chatting on her show the other day (oh, I watch her!) and said, "What I know about men is that they just want to feel needed and respected" when dating any woman, even the most powerful woman herself. In no submissive context, I think that sentiment is the line you're walking between these two posts -- Are all us single ladies proving to these men time and time again that we don't really "need" them? We have our acts together (even though we don't) and have zero weaknesses? I have a feeling men that don't have their acts together (the lovely druggies we all dated in college) know a woman who will take care of them when they see them..

Does that make sense? You're definitely on to something

Jessica Downey said:


Thank you so much! I am thrilled you like my blog :) You raise some really great points here. It kind of makes me think about the little things too. Like guys who pretend to not know how to do the laundry because they know a woman will do it. I think I see what you are saying here. Perhaps maybe acting like you have no weaknesses is what attracts a guy who doesn't have his act together. That totally makes sense. I think the word "need" is often mistaken for something really negative.

Something She Dated said:


I would go as far as to say I'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum...for the time being, I don't want to take care of a man in the slightest...fix him...not a with that in mind...I don't have a whole lot of perspective to offer on that front...

But I did want to offer a suggestion or two for your friend. Is it possible he's coming across The reason I ask is if I got a message from a guy who had a job, goals, had friends and family support, was self-supportive...(could spell and punctuate with the best of them)...but wasn't funny...I'd still likely pass his message on maybe he needs to amp up the humor a bit...or message girls that look more humdrum (I mean like they like a humdrum life not that their actual physical nature is humdrum) :) Just a thought.

Jessica Downey said:


You actually raise a really great point there and I definitely wasn't trying to say I know for sure that's what's going on with this guy and internet dating. It really just made me think about the whole fixing a guy concept. Though, I know that this guy does send some fun and witty messages (I read some of them to help out sometimes). His profile doesn't scream I am a stand up comedian or anything but it's not a dry profile. Very very good point though, love it :)

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