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Does it even matter if there is someone out there for everyone?

Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

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"Dear God, please bring me a boyfriend this year"

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about my frustrations with dating. It's been quite a run with me and this whole dating thing. Frankly I just get a little annoyed when everything seems to end up the exact same way. And while it's something I know I could never give up on (it's just not me to really give up on much of anything), I still have to say that sometimes I wonder if it's really getting me anywhere.

But that's totally getting off subject. My friend told me that I shouldn't get frustrated because there is someone out there for me and eventually I will find him. I am not sure if I am a big fan of that response.

Now, let me just say that I don't mean anything against my friend at all. He is a great guy and he was just genuinely trying to make me feel like my frustrations were worth something (and for that I thank him).

It's just that's generally the standard response and I really wonder if people actually feel like there is someone out there for me or if they are saying it just because it's the standard response. I know that maybe it shouldn't really matter but really, if you think I am the kind of person that will never find someone should you be encouraging me to have hope that I will? That just seems weird to me I guess.

Honestly, all that answer really makes me think about is the idea that there might not be someone out there for me (or that I might not actually find him). And I know that sounds utterly depressing and pessimistic, but that's truly not the way I mean it at all. If you know me then you know that I am neither depressing nor pessimistic.

I firmly believe that if you acknowledge the good then you have to also recognize the bad. Throughout history there has always been both good and bad. You really can't have one without the other, that's just not realistic. Think about it, if there was only good and no bad how would you truly know, I mean feel with every ounce of your being, that something good is happening?

The fact of the matter is, that maybe we shouldn't worry that much about if there is someone out there for us. I know that might make it seem like dating isn't really worth it. I mean if you get nothing in return then it seems like you really did it all for nothing. That couldn't be farther from the truth though. I think about all the people I have met and all of the fun experiences I have had. And, of course, all of the crazy stories many of which led to this blog. Those are the things that make it all worth it to me.

Perhaps it's not the idea of finding someone in the end that should bring us comfort when we are frustrated with dating, but instead realizing all the things we have had a chance to experience. It could be that finding someone in the end is just the bonus to all the fun you've already had. Plus, it surely seems like that takes a lot of the pressure off of dating.



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Simply Solo - Catherine said:

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This is a great point. I don't feel like I have this person out there waiting for me to find him. I'll find someone, probably, eventually. I think in the meantime, I'm going to love the hell out of dating. I'm even dating for sport! Thanks for your perspective.

Jessica Downey said:


Thanks! Yes, definitely love the hell out of dating. Who knows what can and wil happen. Thanks for the link to your blog as well.

EllP said:

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I hate dating. I loathe it at this point in time because it seems extra hard on me being a highly sensitive person with OCD. Plus it is slim pickings where I am. I try for a genuine relationship and then somehow throw a wrench into the mix by having picked an assclown...out of the rare single guy w/no kids or past marriages.

Consider yourself lucky as you have more of a variety as far as things to do and the right kind of people to do them with (single, ages 25-30, no kids, have never been married, etc.). Sure there may be more of a variety of assclowns, but at least you can have enough experience to "sniff them out" if you will. My problem is I end up allowing myself to be a doormat and not having clear boundaries because I'm almost too laid back (figuratively speaking).

So yeah! :op

Jessica Downey said:


Oh trust me; I haven't always lived in the city. I know what it's like to try to date in small towns and those that are kind of in the middle. Experience doesn't depend on where you live necessarily; it also depends on how much you put yourself out there. There are pros and cons to both really (and you might have inspired a post). Never, ever let yourself be a doormat. You have to have standards regardless of where you live.

Something She Dated said:


I actually think there's a ton of people for everyone. If the entire pop. of chicago was say 200. 100 are men, 100 are women. Of the 100 men, 50 are married, gay or otherwise unavailable. Of the 50 left, 25 are men you find unattractive. Of the 25 left, 20 are boring, not funny, ignorant, umotivated, etc.etc.etc. Leaving you with 5 guys. Now these 5 guys aren't soulmates or perfect matches. But there 5 guys that you could potentially make a relationship work with. Sure enough finding those 5 guys is rough but you can do it. They are out there. (and obviously since there is a great deal more than 200 people in all of chicago obviously the number for you is greater than 5). Now I don't belive in settling for less than what you want. But I do think that even when you find someone. They'll never be a perfect match. It will always involve a great deal of work. But I wouldn't fear you won't find one. Or several. Because they're out there. I'm certain of it.

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