All The Single Ladies

« You're happy, so why cheat? When the ex comes back around, »

I'm independent but that doesn't mean I can't be (a little) dependent

Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

Young man helping a Young woman with a can opener

On more than one occasion I have had guys mention how there are certain characteristics they feel might keep me single. Then a few weeks ago at one of the ChicagoNow tweet ups, a friend asked me if I felt I had any habits or characteristics that I thought attributed to the fact that I am single.

There are things about me that I know certain guys don't like. I don't say that to make me sound bad or to imply I am a bad person. Honestly, I don't think that I am supposed to be liked by everyone and I certainly don't think that everyone has to want to date me. At the end of the day I just believe that people are who they are (though I am definitely not saying no one can change ever).

However, I know there is one thing that can be problematic at times. I want to avoid sounding completely cliché here, but the fact is that I am a very independent woman and tends to be a problem in the dating world. Though sometimes I feel it's because it often leads to so many incorrect assumptions.

The fact of the matter is that I am a single woman who lives alone (and this has been the case for many years) so doesn't it only make sense for me to be independent? I mean I've had to learn to do a lot of things for myself because sometimes things happen and there is no one around to help you. To me, that is not trying to be Miss Independent, that is just about survival. And honestly, all that stuff just seems normal to me.

Even more than that, why shouldn't I take advantage of the fact that I am single and I live alone? I mean take something little like taking up the whole bed when I sleep or hogging all the covers. It doesn't mean that I don't ever want to share it but it just means that right now I don't have to. Should I really leave room just in case? That just seems like a waste of space and frankly even a little silly to me.

I don't see any of this as being selfish because honestly who am I hurting by being the way that I am? It took me a really long time to develop my habits as a single independent woman so you can't really expect me to just drop them all the second that I meet someone. Plus, let's be honest here do you really want a woman that's all help me with this and help me with that the second that you meet?

The bottom line is just because I am independent doesn't mean that I won't ever depend on a guy for things and it doesn't mean that I won't ever share things with him. It's just, right now, it seems normal for me to do certain things because I live in a world where if I don't then those things don't get done. And honestly, I think it's really unfair to assume that I will be that way in a relationship when we have yet to actually be in one.



Recent Posts


Leave a comment


Adrienne said:


Nothings wrong with you sweetie, it's them. Many men are weak bastards that want their women handed to them with fake boobs, limpos hips and Pamela Anderson of there dreams. We know real women can not complete with the dream. Single women are free to do what they want when they want it, it's the world that feels everyone needs to be doubled up now! If it's meant to be, it will be.

Jessica Downey said:


Thank you so much Adrienne!!

EllP said:

default userpic local-auth auth-type-mt

I'll try to get my point across as concisely as possible.

Reiterating what you have pretty much stated, I think people (and maybe guys) tend to forget that single women have needed to survive on our own so we need to have learned how to do things on our own. It's not necessarily a "women's lib" thing as it is simply an issue of survival. After my paternal grandfather died, my grandmother became fiercely independent. Not to say she wasn't before, but she did her thing.

I don't see how some people forget this because single guys somehow make it on their own, as well. It may all come down to guys wanting to feel needed. I think it takes a real special, secure male to not worry about being needed. Determining one's worth based on someone else's validation isn't healthy. So a guy who bases his worth on whether or not a male/female likes him is sad (vice versa). I'm not saying males and/or females have to be cold or lack feelings or be all mushy or be a doormat. I'm just saying it takes really strong people, in general, to really know themselves, know their values, know their boundaries, etc. and to not allow his/her worth to be based on the opposite/same sex's opinion. Easier said than done, I suppose.

Then again, I could be wrong. Haha.

It always reminds me of the quote from Robin Williams' character in Good Will Hunting: "You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

Jessica Downey said:


I think you are absolutely right here. I definitely don't think there is anything with a guy wanting to feel needed (as long as it's in a healthy way of course). I just think that a little patience sometimes is necessary. And I hate always being labeled the stubborn woman or the woman that doesn't want a man just because I know how to do things for myself. Thanks for the comment, very well said and you make some really awesome points. Oh and I totally love the quote at the end.

bennyboy1978 said:

default userpic local-auth auth-type-mt

Hi there,- very interesting article there Jessica, - and some good points raised in the comments, but I feel Adrienne was a little harsh on us guys there.
My girlfriend is perhaps the most fiercely independent person that I have ever met in my life (male or female)-it took quite a while for me to adjust to her 'I can do it myself' mentality and her to my 'let me help you with that' tendencies, but we are now at the point where I understand perfectly that she doesnt need me to wire a plug/ replace a light bulb, or fix her shower for her as she's perfectly capable of doing it herself- but she also in turn understands that if it satisfies some primal urge for me to do these things for her and in some way pull my weight around the house then its okay for me to do it. Similarly, I dont open doors for her cos I think she's weak - or that by doing so it makes me feel more of a man and I expect her to acknowledge my chivalrous display - I do it purely cos its a nice thing to do for someone I love.
Dont get me wrong,- its nice when a girl notices the little touches as well as the big gestures, it just shows you're in tune with each other as a couple.
Independence is fine when its needed, but there comes a time where its safe to let it slip a little.
Im sure the habits you've developed over the years wont change dramatically,- but when the right guy comes along you may choose to relax them a little.

Jessica Downey said:


Thank you for the compliment and the comment. You hit some of the points that I was making in this post. Just because I am super independent now doesn't mean that I won't ever need help with anything. It's just that I need to do things or they won't get done. The problem (for me anyway) is when people label me as undateable because I am independent.e points that I was making in this post. Just because I am super indepdent now doesn't mean that I won't ever need help with anything. It's just that I need to do things or they won't get done. The problem (for me anyway) is when people label me as undateable because I am independent.

Leave a Comment?

Some HTML is permitted: a, strong, em

What your comment will look like:


what will you say?

Most Active Pages Right Now on Facebook

All The Single Ladies on Facebook