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Why can't we be friends?

Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

Friendship Day with children and dog  

A thought occurred to me the other day - why do I seem to find so many guys that are opposed to being friends? I have had many conversations with guys, both from internet dating sites and just in general, and more often than not I hear things like "I'm not looking to make friends" or "I have enough friends already."

I'm not really even sure if I understand the phrase - I have enough friends. How is that really even possible? Are you really so popular that you have no room left in your life for another friend? I mean, you really can't even entertain the idea at all?

Clearly we believe that friendships will continue until the end of time and I think that's pretty logical. But, let's be honest here, there is really no guarantee. Things happen. Life happens. And people come in and out of your life. Actually, just a few months ago I had a huge falling out with my best friend. It was something I never saw coming but it happened.

Sure, I will admit that technically you don't join an internet dating site to make a friend but if it happens then what is the problem? Let's be technical (again) you don't join social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, etc to find a date but that happens and people tend to be open to that so why not be open to finding a friend on an internet dating site?

Obviously I know that I am not meant to be friends with everyone in the world. Of course, I'd like to think that I am a likable girl but I know that I am not for everyone (and everyone is not for me). So I am not talking about cases where you meet and really can't stand the person.

I am referring to the cases when the idea of not being friends comes up before you even meet. It generally happens during the conversation about what each of you is looking for. I'm kind of the go with the flow kind of girl and whatever happens, happens. Actually I don't even like it when people ask what I am looking for but that is a whole other blog.

Then the guy starts in his with his whole spiel about how he wants to settle down and doesn't need anymore friends. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with settling down at all. It's just the part about not being friends that rubs me the wrong way. I mean, what happens if we go out and have seemingly good time but there is just no chemistry, no spark, no za za zoom?

Honestly, for me, it is really about being open which is something that I firmly believe in. Not to completely Pollyanna-out here or anything but I genuinely believe you have to be open to life's possibilities because you never know what can happen. And, sure, I can completely understand that there are things people aren't open about - like say robbing a bank or having sex with something really weird in a really strange place. Obviously people have the right to choose their own limits, I can't deny that. However, we are just talking about friendship here and immediately closing the door on the idea just seems a little foolish to me.



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Ly said:


I'm actually with guys on this one (but no surprise there, I seem to be/think more like guys than girls). I don't want more guy friends, I really do have enough -and yes there it is possible to have "enough. I want a bf not another dude friend. Female friends, however, I can never have enough of those!

EllP said:

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Jessica Downey said:


I could possibly be the only person in the world that feels this way :). I just think you can find things where you least expect it and that different people bring different things to the table. Thank you so much for the comment!!

Leigh said:


I liked this article - I also don't see why someone's sex would matter in a platonic friendship, but I can respect that not everybody's definition of friendship is as broad as mine. It's nice though to hear someone else feels this way ..

Jessica Downey said:


Thank you so much! It's good to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. We might be the only ones :)

EllP said:

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I guess I feel that way because at this moment, I'd like a relationship. I'd also like more female friends. My search for female friends is similar to my take on dating relationships with males in this area: slim pickings. (Not from Chicago or a big city :op)

Jessica Downey said:


I think it totally makes sense to make a relationship your goal if that is ultimately what you want. But I don't think that means that you should just close the door on the idea of being friends. I mean if you meet a person that's truly awesome but there's not that relationshipy kind of chemistry, why not just be friends? And I totally feel you, I grew up in really small towns :).

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