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Guest post: Don't be too available dammit

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Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

Since I have such a fun time talking about all the dating rules (and how much I think most of them are crap), I feel kind of like I need a guy's point of view. So I've asked some of my most favorite guy bloggers to tell me what they think about some of them and over the next few weeks I will be posting their thoughts. First up is Alex from the Urban Dater (a very awesome website about dating and relationships) who talks about being too available, or as he's titled it "Don't Be Too Available Dammit!".

Portrait of a young woman using a mobile phone and smiling

I understand what happens in the minutes proceeding an awesome date. Maybe a kiss is shared, maybe it's not. Flutter flutter go the butterflies in a person's stomach. It's enough to make me start throwing kittens into the Sun! We're nervous, we take several deep breaths and we biologically wear a smile across our face the rest of the night, on into the following day. I understand attraction. Attraction and the subsequent build up that occurs after an amazing date; it's natural to want to call right away; to text and say gooey gushy things that would make your pre-school friend, Phillip Thomas Scott, vomit all over his Osh Kosh B'gosh overalls. Just don't do it! Forget the Nike slogan and breathe, deeply and purposefully.

You don't want to seem too available. Why? We guys, while simple creatures, we sometimes tend to be jerks and hypocrites. I can't tell you how many times, my guy friends will go on a date and sleep with a woman on a first date only to never call again. The reasons they cited: "Oh, she was too dirty for me." "Meh! She wasn't enough of a challenge." "I kinda live for the hunt... and it's done already." I, too, have been that guy, in my younger days.

Honestly, I get turned off when a woman texts or calls me too often. One time I went on a date with a woman that texted me a mere FIVE MINUTES after a date to ask if I had fun. I said I did, but we probably made better friends than anything romantic. Kudos to that gal for having the guts to ask! However, it counts for nothing to me. I want to know that a woman is pursued, that she has options and that MY option is the best one to her, thus, she is a prize that I GET to spend time with. I've rarely had a good relationship with a woman I slept with within the first few dates anyway. I'm a man, I'm meant to "hunt" and because of that, there are skills to be honed and a nature to abide by.

To further my point, a woman who is too eager and too available gives me the impression she has little else going on in her life... Why would I want to spend time with someone that doesn't have an engaging life of their own? That's boring, to me. I dated a gal who always wanted to hang out with me and my friends and really didn't want to do things with her friends. Social spheres are important to me; that is, the people we surround ourselves with ARE a reflection of who we are. If she didn't even want to hang around her own friends, people that she allowed to be in her social sphere, what does that say about her? I'll tell you what it says: "I am not challenging."

Playing a game sucks, ladies. I know, especially if you like a guy. Just ease up on the gas pedal and breathe; the rest will come to you. Make the object of your desire understand and want you for the prize that you truly are.

About Alex

Alex is the guy behind the Urban Dater dot com. He's been blogging for about three years on topics ranging from blaming farts on women to trying to hit on women with a handicap (some call it death, but we won't get into semantics here), only to be shot down. He shares his successes, failures and insights with his readers on his blog and on his Twitter account. He's an avid fan of technology, but not as much as you, you see! (See what I did there?) He loves sports and plays a number of them quite poorly and excels at finger puppet theater and voice over acting. He's lonely and requires only sunshine and hugs. Alex is available for adoption. One Ebay seller wrote: "A+++++ Buyers! Super fast transaction. Would do business with again!"

Find Alex on the Urban Dater
on Twitter
on Facebook

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6 Comments

Something She Dated said:

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Roger That!!! Seriously...note to self...must implement being hard to get.

Jessica Downey said:

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Right! I am so bad with that. If I like you and you like me then I just want to date and skip all the crazy BS already! :)

Something She Dated said:

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Me too...but I've 100% seen the error of my ways...and plan to implement a new "chase" pattern lol...

In dreamland though...I say what I want...and he plays by rules (in a manly way though of course :P)

Jessica Downey said:

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I so hear you there! I just hate that whole "I'm pretending like I don't really like you when I really do kind of thing" that just makes me want to move on and find another guy :). I like your dreamland. In mine, we just make up our own rules. Haha

ahopkins45 said:

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My name is Anthony Joseph Hopkins and I am from Dayton, Ohio. I want you to know that this also applies to men as well. I know that being involved in excessive relationships and commitments can cause someone to become worn down. I really think it is best to really pace yourself and give God some of your time. It is efficient to pray each day and read the Bible. I also meditate outdoors and enjoy nature because it heals the soul. Many people do not believe me, but just being outside and allowing yourself to breathe outside and seeing nature will heal the mind and soul. I am not trying to sound like a nature advocate, but it helps me a lot. I also allow my mind to heal itself by meditating and doing yoga exercises on a regular basis. It helps me and I am a man. I really enjoy reading your article and I appreciate the content as well as the advice that you have to offer. Please have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,

Anthony Hopkins

PS: Here is a sample of my writing for your viewing pleasure!!!

Excommunication and Persecution What is excommunication?  Let's look at what it really feels like to be excommunicated for a brief moment.  Excommunication is when someone is not being spoken to. There is not any contact whatsoever.  A person can feel excommunicated inside of their own home with their own family.  Whenever there is an altercation or argument, people inside of the residence do not communicate with each other until there is a resolution to a specific problem.  Just because a person is writing about this, does not mean there is a specific problem.  There are solutions when it comes to excommunication.  First, find out where it is coming from and resolve it.  How I personally feel about it, I have been going through this in my own personal life for a very long period of time.  There are issues in my own family that are not resolved, but I rely on God or a Power greater then myself to resolve it.  Second, it is really up to the individual who is going through this to deal with this in a way that is constructive.   For example, there are counselors that are available for those who are in extreme dire need.  Third, animals and nature are a very effective way of dealing with hurt and pain.  An example of this consists of having animals as a means of healing.  Animals as pets are therapy!!!  Animal therapy as an alternative is extremely effective!!!  Do you know that having a cat or dog inside of the home, heals a person and it provides unconditional love between animal and human.  However, there are those who enjoy critic sizing others through the words from their own mouths, that backbiting itself is a sin.  In the book of Ecclesiastes 11:11, it talks about a snake that is not charmed that is capable of biting.  This is no different when it comes to people.  People will bit you in the same way that a serpent would.  This is the reason why others wait on their Eternal Blessing from God Himself.  When God bless a person with that special someone, it is forever.  What is persecution?  Persecution is when one is condemned by others for reasons that are unknown.  Persecution can affect people in many different ways.  It affects them physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, financially, spiritually, and personally.  Persecution can also become self inflicted!!!!  A person can persecute themselves because of a lack of motivation and effort to progress.  Persecution can also affect others by the way they are treated inside of their own community.  People can mistreat others due to the misunderstanding of another.  If this person is not confronted face to face over this problem that they are having towards another, it is not the victims fault.  It is the fault of the one who is afflicting the damage towards another.  Physical persecution is when someone uses measures that are in peril against themselves.  For example, this also can mean that a person refuses to deal with issues that are affecting them.  There are also other reasons why people hurt themselves.  A person can hurt themselves based on the pressures of life that are extremely difficult for them to deal with!!!!  Furthermore, this also means that there are others that are bothering them so bad that they also need to be confronted.  It is really not the person's fault to begin with!!!  This is also the fault of the other person who is causing physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual torment towards another.   There are many people who just do not want to see another person happy.  This is called discontentment!!  This form of discontentment is called jealousy to begin with.  Someone can resent you based on who you are as a person.  People can dislike you based on what you can do for yourself.  This is an extreme profound fear of another person's success is the fault of the persecutors themselves.  If there is a fear of someone else being successful and you are not, it is your fault after all.  This means that you have a real problem with your own self that you are really afraid to deal with. Mental persecution is when a person says things that can hinder them from their own successes.  An example of this is saying I can't!!!!  Another example of this is telling yourself that you cannot do anything because you are afraid of failure.  There are friends and members inside of your own family that can hinder you from success.  This is classified as mental abuse!!!  Mental Abuse is words from the mouth of another that are extremely painful that it inhibits another person from freedom.  Sometimes people can tell you out of their own mouth that they love you when they really do not.  This can also be classified as mental torture!!!  Why be around others who are always a negative influence on you to begin with.  Inside of a relationship, if your spouse or significant other is really putting you down all of the time, why deal with them.  If it is your own choice as a man or woman to deal with someone who is bad for you, this is really your fault.  Spiritual Abuse is when a person does not give God a chance to begin with.  When a person does not give God a chance to be involved in their lives, this is not God's Fault, it is the fault of the individual.  You already know that God is always there whenever you really need Him.  This really means that God and Jesus Christ should be the focal point in anyone's life.  God and Jesus Christ are involved in my life right now because I want it!!!  I crave God and Jesus Christ on a daily basis.  I read my Bible and say my prayers each and every single day.  I also attend church services on a regular basis.  I am not saying that I am the Most Perfect Person when I am not.    I am just like everyone else, I am a human being.  According to Charles Darwin, human beings are called Social Animals.  A social animal is one who uses a language that is audible and is heard from others.  Language can be spoken both verbally and nonverbally.  Being called a social animal is not to offend anyone.  This is based on theory from a person who had atheist views to begin with.  This person did not believe in God to begin with.  He did but his viewpoint had changed over a specified period of time.  Giving God more of your time each day as well as prayer and meditation really helps. In conclusion, I want to mention all of this because I really feel that life is really what a person makes of it.  It is based on chances and efforts that we make in our own lives.  I really feel at this time that God is the one who can bring about change in anyone's life.  As long as you give God and Jesus Christ a chance to really clean up your own life.  Things will get better for you.  At least I can say that all of my mistakes from the past have been erased by God Himself.  However, inside of the eyes of a man or woman, I will always go through stress and strain.  This is because they do not know the real person inside of me.  This means that they did not know me personally to begin with.  They criticized me when they really did not know me.  My relationships from the past were life's lessons to me.  This means that the women who were involved in my life did not appreciate me for the person that I am to begin with.   I was never appreciated nor accepted as a member of the human race by them anyway.  This includes the online relationship that I have had with women in the past.  There was never a purpose in the relationship.  These were women who had taken advantage of someone who was only doing God's Work.  Anytime that a women deceives an honest man by telling him what they really need instead of addressing the problem to begin with, this person did not like him in the first place.  Therefore, if a person is going to establish a relationship with the member of the opposite sex, it should be based on honesty, truth, love, peace, happiness, and dedication.  Loyalty is very important in a relationship.  This means that people need to be just dedicated to spend the rest of their lives with the person that they are willing to deal with.  This is extremely important.  No matter what a person goes through in their own personal life, God will repair all damages.  Man and Women will have to accept the fact that relationships are based upon effort, time, dedication, and the willingness to spend quality time with that special someone.  Just being there emotionally, physically, mentally, and physically, and spiritually is extremely important.  Faithfully Submitted, Anthony Hopkins

Jessica Downey said:

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Wow Anthony, that's a whole lot of comment there. Thank you for stopping by and sharing.

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