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Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

Man Leaving an Apartment Building

A little while ago, I had the most interesting conversation with a guy on OKCupid. Everyone knows that interesting actually means to weird or puzzling which generally translates to blogging. So here we are.

It went a little something like this (I didn't change this conversation and I am really sorry it's so long, but as you will see I needed to include it all):

Guy: I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Just friendship and physically intimacy with one person. Like I said, your probably not open to that, right? (He hadn't actually already said that to me before so I don't know where the "like I said" came from.)
Me: Well that kind of sounds a lot like dating and I am generally the girl that likes to meet in person and see how things go. (While thinking why do guys always throw in that little part about not being open.)
Guy: I guess it all depends on how you like at it. So are you OK with that or not? (I am not sure how to "like" at things, but ok we can run with that.)
Me: (There was no reply. I was a little confused since I had just answered him)
Guy: Just so I'm clear! If we are sleeping together, I will or will not be the only guy your sleeping with?
Me: (Still really confused by this conversation) Sex buddies/friends with benefits is not exclusive to me. I am free to sleep with whomever I choose. Unless, of course, we are dating. Then you would be the only person I am sleeping with.
Guy: OK, then I'm not interested. Take care and good luck!
Me: Thanks. You too
Guy: When your ready to be more mature about things then hit me up! Your being selfish! Why would I want to sleep with your and your sleeping with other people?

First of all, please learn the different between your (meaning relating to oneself) and you're (meaning YOU ARE).

Second of all, let me see if I understand this. You don't want a relationship but you want friendship and physical intimacy, exclusively with one person. Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't that sound a lot like dating? Seems like someone wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Now, I am not really a person that gets totally wrapped in labels. Yes, I think it's important to define what's going on just so there is no confusion and everyone is on the same page but that doesn't mean you have to stamp it and brand it for the entire world to see. In my opinion, if the situation looks like dating, then I am pretty sure that means we are dating. And if I am with you and only you, that kind of looks a heck of a lot like dating (I am sure you see where I am going with this). You can't really get out of it just because you declare you don't want a relationship.

Let's be honest here. I am not a stranger to the whole friends with benefits or sex buddies arrangement (sorry mom) and if that happens, so be it. If you don't want a relationship, that's totally fine and that's really part of what friends with benefits and/or sex buddies was designed for. But please don't have all these crazy expectations about those arrangements. Perhaps he needs to read rules for these situations from the Queer Guy Tells it Straight.

If you are going to treat me like one of your buddies that is totally fine with me, but then let's not confuse things here. Sorry buddy, but you don't get to take me off the market if you aren't actually going to date me. You don't get all the benefits of dating when you aren't actually dating me. Of course, I guess he didn't really say I couldn't date other guys but just that I couldn't sleep with them. Though if you date, I am pretty sure it's inevitable that you will eventually find one you want to sleep with. How awkward would that be at the end of a date? Sorry I can't sleep with you because, you see...I have this arrangement with my friend.

Don't get me wrong here; I am not saying that I sleep around. I am definitely more than capable of sleeping with just one person. In fact, we've already established that I date because I want to find a person I click with. However, if I can only sleep with my "friend" doesn't that kind of hinder the possibilities I may have with pursuing a relationship with another guy? I think so.

When I am exclusively with someone, it is a pretty big deal. It means I dig you more than the general population of guys. Generally, it also means that I care about you and you care about me and the thought of you being with other people makes me want to throw up a little. I really don't see the point of being exclusive with a friend. Is there one?

Finally, I am neither selfish nor immature. What you are offering me is not something I want. How is it selfish to simply decline the offer? If I am good enough to exclusively sleep with, I am good enough to date. And why would I want to only sleep with you when you don't want to date me?

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8 Comments

TKM said:

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Sounds more like the guy was stoned.....

Jessica Downey said:

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Right! I did think that or maybe drunk. Either way, totally crazy convo.

Erin Keane said:

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I'm impressed that you even kept talking to this guy after the multiple grammatical errors. Super weird convo...but great blog fodder!

Jessica Downey said:

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I know, I shouln't have even bothered but I was a little intrigued and it totally is awesome blog fodder!

Bald Chi Guy said:

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Reading things like this make me feel oh so much better about myself as a guy in the online dating scene. Thank you.

Jessica Downey said:

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Lol! I am so glad I could help. He actually came back for a second round....It gets worse. Sad right?

Sarah Koz said:

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I love how he wished you luck then told you you're selfish. What a tool. What did he say in the second round?

Jessica Downey said:

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I know, highly nice of him I have to say! I believe he said something about how if he was sleeping with me that meant I was his and he wouldn't want me with anyone else. Apparently I would be his property. Smooth, really.

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