Fake NHL Headlines – Offseason Edition

Sidney Crosby gets wrist massage, calls it “surgery”

It was announced this morning that Sidney Crosby is getting “extremely minor surgery” on his wrist in attempt to explain why he sucked in the playoffs. Sources close to him said he was really just redeeming a gift card for a massage at a day spa, but it seemed like a great change to make up an injury. When asked if there was a specific hockey incident that hurt his wrist, Crosby said it happened somewhere in between the time he was a sure lock for the Hart trophy and the time he realized the majority of his teammates weren’t very good. Evgeni Malkin is scheduled to announce a similar fake injury later this week.

Brooks Orpik excited to decline in Washington

It will be rough for Penguins fans to see Brooks “Free Candy” Orpik wear red and play for the team that is kinda-sorta still a rival. However, Orpik isn’t too worried. “My legs feel like jelly every time I’m on the ice, so I don’t think I’ll cause the Pens much trouble. “ Orpik went on to say he doesn’t plan on giving too much of an effort so he won’t get injured. He plans to slowly decline in quality and still rake in his $27.5 million over the next five years. “It should be a relaxing 5 years,” he smiled. “The only thing I’m worried about is finding a way to spend all that cash. It’s seriously too much money.”

Chicago Blackhawks scheduled to play every outdoor hockey game ever

hawks outside

Because money.

NHL strives to be more like World Cup

With the World Cup being more popular than ever, the NHL decided to make a few changes to appeal to soccer fans. These include:

  • No intermission between end of regulation and playoffs in the postseason. They don’t need a break.
  • Refs encouraged to “be more random” when calling penalties.
  • Playoffs and Stanley Cup Final can now be decided in a shootout.
  • Hockey goalie gloves are to be replaced with soccer goalie gloves.
  • ESPN will increase its coverage of the sport to once every four years.

Patrick Kane only doing “light” partying this summer

As Patrick Kane softly puffs an e-cigarette and sips lite beer, he appears to be just a shell of his former hardcore-partying self. However, he vows that if the Hawks win the Stanley Cup next year he’ll make sure he gets kicked out of every party in the city.

Toronto Maple Leafs in the hunt for Lebron James

After dozens of players decided Toronto wasn’t the place for them, The Leafs are starting to get desperate. They’re now willing to cut 60% of their players in order to get Lebron James to join the team. A spokesman for the team said “we’ll play 4 on 5 all game if necessary. We just want some attention.” The Detroit Red Wings are rumored to be offering Lebron a contract as well.

Claude Giroux arrested for grabbing a Cop’s butt

Just kidding, that actually happened.

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