My daughter and I were having a conversation about asking God questions when we get to heaven. Of course, what's been on her mind lately might not matter when the time comes, but it got me thinking about the whole concept.
What would you ask God if you were face to face with him and given the opportunity to ask him about anything ... and get definitive answers?
I would probably ask stuff like, why was I so stupid in my early 20's? How come I didn't go to college when my father offered to pay for it EVEN AFTER I MOVED OUT? How come my dad wouldn't join the union? How come I lost those earrings for two years and still found them in the very drawer I tore apart to look for them?
But here's the big question: Why did I have the mother I did? Years ago I had a friend who would joke that most of us only got one good parent. This was a woman who's father was a vile sexual predator who molested his own children! She actually took care of him for the last years of his life and I don't know how she did it.
I spoke with my daughter about some of the things my mother did to me because she didn't understand why I had no contact with her for so many years. It was a matter of survival. As an adult I was determined not to be like her and it's a struggle every day not to be the mother she was. It was what I learned.
When I became Catholic I knew I had to make amends toward her and I did. I think the hope of any child that goes home after being away for so long is that the parent has miraculously changed into the loving parent we all dream about. It never happened. She quickly went back to her old way of treating me. Occasionally I would stand up to her and that would shut her up for awhile, but not for long.
My mother died years ago, but I still have a lot of questions. I have a couple of good memories that I do look back on with a smile, but then it only makes the other stuff more puzzling.
So Lord, I hope when the time comes you can finally explain it all to me, but by then, maybe I won't even care anymore.