Tag: Death

Next Year is its own Resolution

Next Year is its own Resolution
There is a desperation that comes at the end of the year. All the things not yet accomplished, all the things to begin fresh with the new year. Lists of goals and resolutions and the abortive calculus of “better than” versus “working on” multiplied by “Things That Have Changed.” After Thanksgiving, it’s all a matter of... Read more »

Yinzer's Kaddish

Yinzer's Kaddish
I was born in Pittsburgh. My father was a graduate student at Carnegie Mellon, and my family was Jewish. We lived on Shadyside, in Squirrel Hill. We lived about a mile away from Tree of Life, and we attended a different Conservative congregation- one slightly closer to home. No doubt I found myself in the... Read more »

F*ck Cancer: A long-overdue rant

F*ck Cancer: A long-overdue rant
A disclaimer: this is a very angry rant. It’s the kind of rant I have been holding back for eleven years. It is now spurred by the things being said about John McCain’s death, directly after Aretha Franklin’s both from cancer, and both from people who have never dealt with cancer. It is not filtered... Read more »
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Hot Dogs, Birthdays, and Life's Big Questions

Hot Dogs, Birthdays, and Life's Big Questions
Yesterday was my husband’s thirty-sixth birthday. He has lived a third of his life knowing he has brain cancer. At some point in all of our lives, we have an existential crisis. A moment where we wake up in the morning and say to ourselves, “I’m going to die. One day, I’m going to be... Read more »

Tahlequah's Dirge

Tahlequah's Dirge
A poem:   Tahlequah’s Dirge For sixteen days a mother orca has carried the corpse of her calf across the sea. We the human watch in awe, in horror, at the progression of her mourning, performing nonverbal aquatic adaptations of emotion we only channel through “It’s Quiet Uptown” and we witness, we the simple, the... Read more »

What Fear is Trying to Teach You in the Dark

What Fear is Trying to Teach You in the Dark
During my Complete Mental Breakdown(TM) a few years ago, I fantasized about my husband being killed. Stabbed on a dark train platform on the way home, he clutches his stomach as a small, faceless stranger disappears into the shadows. They take his computer bag, which is later found in a dumpster a block away. Or... Read more »
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In Memorium

In Memorium
Today we are burying my husband’s grandmother. There are many kind things I could say about her, that she was brilliant and sweet and kind, but mostly when I think of her, I think of a conversation I once had with my mother-in-law. I don’t know what prompted me, but I was compelled to tell her... Read more »

When the Angel of Death Passes You Over

When the Angel of Death Passes You Over
On Wednesday, M had another round of MRIs, another meeting with his neuro-oncologist, another of those long days where you are constantly both questioning and trying not to question. They’re hard days. No matter how romantic we get inside the hospital, they’re hard days. In some ways, they’re harder now then they used to be.... Read more »

Brain Cancer, Guns, and My Daily Sh*tshow

Brain Cancer, Guns, and My Daily Sh*tshow
Let’s be honest, mornings are a shitshow. Dragging yourself out of bed so that you can drag other unwilling people out of bed, knowing they will fight you on everything from putting on clean underwear and using the bathroom to putting breakfast in their mouths and their shoes on their feet and zipping their goddamn... Read more »
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An Open Letter to the Columbine Students Walking Out Today

An Open Letter to the Columbine Students Walking Out Today
I vividly remember April 20, 1999. It was my 15th birthday. I was a goth teenager, and I remember walking through the halls in the afternoon, wearing my full length black cloak, and the side-eyed look I got from teachers and students alike- wondering if my cloak wasn’t really some kind of trench coat, if... Read more »