12 Reasons Having Kids Is The WORST (and 6 unexpected ways it's magical)

12 Reasons Having Kids Is The WORST (and 6 unexpected ways it's magical)

A list of things I hate about having children, in no particular order, and perhaps influenced by how long it's been since I've made a family meal that doesn't revolve around simple refined carbohydrates.

  1. Having to wake up and be responsible for people less functional than me before 7am every day
  2. Having to justify or hide my food choices
  3. Having to explain why words like "fuck" and "God" are okay for me to say when I'm being emphatic but not okay for anyone under the age of thirteen
  4. Having to be exactly where I'm told to be exactly when I"m told to be there or I have literally ruined somebody's life
  5. Dealing with other people's kids
  6. Never getting to enjoy a private joke with anyone under any circumstances ever
  7. Having to answer questions like, "How old is the right age for a cell phone?" when I converse with adults, and having to answer questions like, "Can I live with you forever until I'm 100 and also when are you going to die?" when I converse with non-adults
  8. Having to constantly justify not wanting any other children as though already having three of them AND being a fucking Goddamn adult woman doesn't qualify me to understand what having children is like and why it's something I might already be counting down the days on until all of them are out of my house, assuming they get over the "living with me until they're 100" thing.
  9. Knowing that the number of days until they're all out of my house is approximately 4,300
  10. Everything is sticky
  11. Everything is smelly
  12. Everything-- everything-- is always, always, about them


And in no particular order, a much shorter list of ways they suddenly surprise you and make you feel better about always having your needs come last and never getting to sit on the toilet without them coming to you to solve their petty arguments.

  1. The first time you take them to do something new without really preparing them for it and they completely shock you by being able to fail at it without having a meltdown and end up having a great time even though it wasn't easy
  2. The first time one of them decides to clean something, anything, and is so full of personal pride for the job they did that they decided to do all by themselves that they drag you into the bathroom or whatever so you can see that it's not covered in toothpaste and that all the toiletries are neatly lined up in a row by the mirror
  3. When they're definitely too big to sit on your lap, but they find a way to do it without crushing your spleen
  4. The first time one of them wakes you up at 7am on a Saturday, realizes you're asleep, and offers to make cinnamon toast for all her siblings
  5. When they suddenly take an interest in something you're also interested in, but not THAT interested, and they're actually able to start teaching you something new and cool that you kind of care about instead of rambling about every "Will It..." episode of Good Mythical Morning they've ever seen every day during breakfast
  6. When they are old enough to have real friendships and real relationships outside their nuclear family, and yet somehow decide to tell you out of the blue once in a while that you're their best friend and they'll love you forever

Read a hilarious parenting story here: The Tale of My Daughters' Penises

Read my most recent post here: Discovering My PTSD in the Dentist's Chair

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