How to Stop Ruining Your Own Damn Relationship

How to Stop Ruining Your Own Damn Relationship

For the past few days, I have seen Chris Brown’s name on my Twitter timeline more times than I can count. His recent moment of bitchassedness after his ex Karrueche took a pic with Tyson Beckford was such a hot topic of discussion that it trended for an entire day. Ewwww.

Let's cut the bullshit and be real for a moment, shall we?

You don’t really care about celebrity couples, you just think that you do. Sure, you might act like you give a damn about why Big Sean and Ariana really broke up, or pretend to be interested in Machine Gun Kelly and Amber Rose’s new love affair, or fake like you’re intrigued by the details of Jay Z and Beyonce’s marriage. But lowkey, you don’t care. You’re not interested in the gossip, you’re curious about the relationship. Why? I think it brings most folks comfort to know that even the rich, famous, and exceptionally good looking folks in the limelight have to deal with the same bumps and bruises as the rest of us when it comes to love. Most of us had shitty examples of relationships growing up and I think many of us are looking to entertainers and athletes to give us hope. That’s no good.

Now, I’m not a psychiatrist or therapist or whatevs, I’m just an indie recording artist who makes music that gets played in tv shows and movies and stuff. I’m also in a relationship with a man who is in love with me… and that made me realize that I have a lot to learn about what it takes to be in a relationship with someone who wants to marry me. But don’t feel bad for me because more than likely you suck, too.

Back in the olden days when dads and moms lived in the same home and getting divorced was seen as a failure instead of a reason to throw a “Single Ladies” themed party, before drugs and mass incarcerations and the recession and the internet changed the culture of relationships forever, kids got a chance to see their parents work through issues together. They got a chance to see what communication between a couple looked like, so when they grew up and found love they were able to carry that into their own relationships. They didn’t need Kanye and Kim to define their relationship goals… they had their parents for that.

We’re all going from one relationship to the next without ever focusing on the most important aspect of making a relationship work. I’ve done it, my man has done it, and you do it, too. Now, I can only speak on hetero relationships cuz I've only ever dated dudes, but after developing the ability to be honest about my own bullshit I think I have some info that can be helpful to anybody. I’m gonna fuss at my ladies before I address the gentlemen.

I think we can all agree that nowadays most people go into a relationship thinking that love is enough to make a couple last. No. You’re wrong. Stop being so wrong. Gals are especially guilty of this. And I’m not talking to the chicks who aren’t sure whether or not their man loves them, I’m talking to chicks who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you own your man’s heart and could rock it like a Gucci bag if you wanted. Ladies, even if you choose to let your dude be “the man” on some super traditional type shit, don’t forget your queendom. You are the emotional head of your relationship. You are the boss of his heart, you can ruin his mood for the rest of the week or convince him that he’s the greatest man alive, whenever you want. Use your powers for good. Our men are not socialized to be in touch with their emotions. And if your man was not raised with a father in the home or had a shitty male role model, he might have never, ever seen examples of conflict resolution in a relationship.

Don’t forget, more than likely your man had to go through some serious changes inside of himself just to be able to give love. That shit wasn’t easy for him, he had all kinds of personal stuff to get past before he could fall for you. Ladies… that’s not his fault. We can be so blind to that, and do you know when it shows up the most? When we argue. Guys do not communicate in the same ways we do, many of them are better at showing love through their actions. We argue and fuss or just get cold and distant, waiting for our men to say the one thing that can make us feel better, as if men can read our minds. Ladies, if you find yourself repeatedly having issues with your guy and bringing it up always evolves into an argument or one of you just shutting down completely, it’s time for you to step into your queendom and take charge of how the two of you communicate. Not in a demanding, selfish way, but with compassion. Insist upon it. Make it a requirement. And be patient. This isn’t some kiddy ass relationship we are talking about. That man loves you, even when you are all bloated and moody and gross. If you told him it meant the world to you that you both work on better communication, do you seriously think he would refuse? Give that man more credit than that. And if he does reject it, then you know it’s time to make a choice about whether or not you wanna be with someone you have a huge argument with every time you have a problem. And be ready to get the baggy eyes, belly fat, and gray hair that comes along with staying in a stressful ass relationship.

Now gentlemen… I love y’all but I need to be clear about something: You need to stop sabotaging your own happiness. Again, I’m not talking to guys in casual relationships. I’m talking to men who love their chick and would give her the whole planet if it was yours. I know that you probably get attention from lots of women and you totally feel like a catch, and if you’re good to your girl then you think she should automatically feel special and grateful for you. And the thing is, we do feel grateful. You see it in our eyes, behind our smiles, we love y’all so much that we wear it on our faces. But bruh… y’all come dangerously close to melting all that love off of a women’s face, you just push and push until one day you look at her and you don’t see excitement and happiness and gratefulness anymore. You see tiredness, defeat, and disappointment, with loyalty being the only reason she is still there. Don’t do that to her, guys. You might think the world is full of women who will love you, but as a chick I’m telling that a good woman who actually wants to build with you is hard to find. I know girls who have multiple boyfriends who are paying their bills. I know girls who are living with herpes and still have unprotected sex without telling their new partners because they say they can’t pass it if they aren’t having an outbreak. I’ve seen men get their hearts broken and their wallets emptied, I’ve seen men end up stuck with a crazy ass girl who they can’t stand just because he got her pregnant. That doesn’t have to be your life. Value what you have.
Guys, if you want to actually have a happy relationship, you need to get better at trusting your woman with your feelings and working through conflicts. How does shutting down or being defensive benefit you? Consider the fact that every time you argue, every time you shut down or make your girl feel that you don’t understand or care how she feels, you hurt her. Now think about it… what would you do if another man walked up and hurt your lady? That same person who leaves her girl-smell all over your pillows, that same person who laughs at your jokes, that person who considers cuddling up on the couch with you to be one of the highlights of her day. Imagine some crazy man just walked up out of nowhere and hurt her, while you stood there and watched. Does that enrage you? Wouldn’t you protect her? Bruh… protect her from the insensitive brute inside of you. Because when you hurt her, you mess with her confidence, her peace of mind, and her sense of security. Be sensitive to your queen. There is so much more you could accomplish once you get past basic relationship stuff. You and your chick could be saving up to visit another country together, y’all could be learning about investing in stocks and stacking money together, y’all could be building toward real things and having new experiences together. As a man, isn’t the world hard enough on you? Do you really wanna keep pushing away the person who loves you most just because of bad communication? If you want some good ass tips on how to be a better boyfriend, read this article entitled "14 Signs Someone is a Grown Ass Man". I swear it had me doing the hallelujah hands while I was reading that shit.

Being able to talk through any issue, no matter what, is the most important part of an intimate relationship. And when your partner tells you what they need to feel secure and safe, you need to believe them. Man... If people applied to their own relationship just a fraction of the assertive boldness and effort that they apply to cheating or looking out for their own self interests, we wouldn't have to go from one relationship to the next to find happiness. We'd just build it where we are.

Celebrity relationships can’t teach people anything about love except how to look happy when you’re not. The only way to have anything meaningful and long lasting is for both partners to work on good communication, to be able to say exactly how you feel and what you want and to know the other person cares about your needs. And there is more than one way to accomplish it. You can go find some old folks who have been married forever and ask them how they do it. You can go find a relationship counselor that both of y’all like and talk to them. Or you can buy a book about relationships and communication and y’all can read it together. And if working on communication is hard for you, that’s understandable. That’s where love comes in. When you need motivation to be better, when you need a reason to do something not just for yourself but for the betterment of someone else, that is the only time when love is enough.

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