As you might remember from your elementary school assemblies, Black History Month was founded by Carter G Woodson in 1926. The month of February was selected for this celebration of Black history in honor of Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln, who were both born in that month. A lot has changed in America since 1926, but as we learned during our current Presidents campaign for the office, America still has a long way to go before racism is no longer an issue in the US.
Black History Month is not only for African American people, but its also a great opportunity for people of all races to acknowledge how awesome and totally bad ass Black Americans are as a people. In celebration of this holiday, I have decided to embody the spirit of this month in the only way that I know how...by ripping on my white friends mercilessly for the entire month, thereby creating a living hell that is similar to the psychological torture that the slaves endured. In the spirit of love & positive race relations, I have written this helpful blog that details the 10 things that white people aren't allowed to do during Black History Month.
If you are White, (or you are successfully passing for White,) these are the things that you are not allowed to do during Black History Month. For the month of February, you can not:
- Bitch about Affirmative Action. Quit hating. As hard as it is in this job market, nobody is getting hired. If you really need to cock block the one token Affirmative Action hire that your job is doing, then maybe you should consider entering into a Gay relationship so that you can sue your job for sexual discrimination. That way, everybody wins.
- Go on an interracial date...unless you are the one paying for it. Don't let your Black date pay. Don't go dutch. Haven't your people benefited from African Americans enough?!?
- Talk about how attractive a Black female entertainer is. It objectifies Black women and reinforces stereotypes about us as sex objects, UNLESS you're lusting after Queen Latifah, Condaleeza Rice, Oprah, or Claire Huxtable. If it's one of those women then it's fine.
Bad mouth Obama, Michael Jackson, or any other popular Black icon. I'm sorry that Obama wasn't able to save the world within the 379 days that he's been President...I'm sure he's working on that. And Michael Jackson is dead now...so give it a rest. Even if you feel justified in mouthing off about Black people who are in the public eye, just remember this; Black History Month only lasts for 28 days, so play nice. We have the next 11 months to rip on you for Richard Nixon, Joan Rivers, Lindsay Lohan, Rush Limbaugh, Monica Lewsinsky, and both versions of President Bush.
- Say stuff like "But slavery was so long ago..." If you have no concept of the socioeconomic impact that slavery has had on Black people today not only in America but also internationally as a result of The Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade that forcibly embarked over 10 million Africans to the Americas between the 16th and 19th centuries...then I'd suggest you shut up, don't go there, and treat your Black friends to a pizza just to earn some cultural sensitivity cred.
- Let your dog pounce all over your Black buddy when he/she comes to visit. During the Civil Rights Era, police dogs were released upon protesters and many Black men, women, and children who could not outrun the animals were viciously attacked. Honestly, this has nothing to do with why you need to control your dog, I just brought it up to guilt you into stopping your dog from climbing all over company. In honor of Black History Month, if you have a big ass dog who gets a bit "overly excited" when you have visitors, then please close your dog into the bedroom when your Black friends come by.
- Purchase the music of any rapper who sets the black race back by 5 or more years. To tell what rapper fits into this category, just imagine the rapper as a white guy who is married to Britney Spears. If that thought disgusts and infuriates you, then that rapper is off limits during Black History Month.
- Act annoyed when black people speak loudly in public places. We have been oppressed for so long as a people that being able to raise our voices in pride is an accomplishment we take seriously, whether on public transportation, in a movie theater, or when yelling at the guy behind the counter at Subway who put THE WRONG TYPE OF MUSTARD ON MY GOD DAMNED FOOTLONG! Oh hellllll no!!!!
- Tell me you wouldn't mind if said the word "Honkie" or "Cracker." If you think those words are comparable to "The N-Bomb," then you're already an incurable racist & nothing can save you but life coaching from Al Sharpton, who, ironically enough, was probably a kid around the time the words "Honkie" & "Cracker" were actually offensive.
- Say "Some of my best friends are Black" if a Black person accuses you of being prejudiced. There's really nothing wrong with stating that if it's true, except for the fact that Black People can not be corrected or proven to be wrong about anything during the month of February. Those are the rules, according to Jesse Jackson.
As a peace loving white American, if you can observe these simple rules then I'm sure we can all have the best Black History Month ever. On the other hand, for the White people who find all of this overwhelming, if you CLICK HERE AND PURCHASE MY ALBUM then you don't have to observe any of these rules. After all, being able to throw money at stuff you don't want to deal with is the American way, and nothing could help me celebrate Black History Month better than taking money from White folks. It's what Malcom X would have wanted.