10 things my White friends aren't allowed to do during Black History Month.

As you might remember from your elementary school assemblies, Black History Month was founded by Carter G Woodson in 1926. The month of February was selected for this celebration of Black history in honor of Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln, who were both born in that month. A lot has changed in America since 1926, but as we learned during our current Presidents campaign for the office, America still has a long way to go before racism is no longer an issue in the US.

Black History Month is not only for African American people, but its also a great opportunity for people of all races to acknowledge how awesome and totally bad ass Black Americans are as a people. In celebration of this holiday, I have decided to embody the spirit of this month in the only way that I know how...by ripping on my white friends mercilessly for the entire month, thereby creating a living hell that is similar to the psychological torture that the slaves endured. In the spirit of love & positive race relations, I have written this helpful blog that details the 10 things that white people aren't allowed to do during Black History Month. 

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If you are White, (or you are successfully passing for White,) these are the things that you are not allowed to do during Black History Month. For the month of February, you can not:

  • Bitch about Affirmative Action. Quit hating. As hard as it is in this job market, nobody is getting hired. If you really need to cock block the one token Affirmative Action hire that your job is doing, then maybe you should consider entering into a Gay relationship so that you can sue your job for sexual discrimination. That way, everybody wins. 
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  • Go on an interracial date...unless you are the one paying for it. Don't let your Black date pay. Don't go dutch. Haven't your people benefited from African Americans enough?!?
  • Talk about how attractive a Black female entertainer is. It objectifies Black women and reinforces stereotypes about us as sex objects, UNLESS you're lusting after Queen Latifah, Condaleeza Rice, Oprah, or Claire Huxtable. If it's one of those women then it's fine.
  • Bad mouth Obama, Michael Jackson, or any other popular Black icon. I'm sorry that Obama wasn't able to save the world within the 379 days that he's been President...I'm sure he's working on that. And Michael Jackson is dead now...so give it a rest. Even if you feel justified in mouthing off about Black people who are in the public eye, just remember this; Black History Month only lasts for 28 days, so play nice. We have the next 11 months to rip on you for Richard Nixon, Joan Rivers, Lindsay Lohan, Rush Limbaugh, Monica Lewsinsky, and both versions of President Bush.
  • Say stuff like "But slavery was so long ago..." If you have no concept of the socioeconomic impact that slavery has had on Black people today not only in America but also internationally as a result of The Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade that forcibly embarked over 10 million Africans to the Americas between the 16th and 19th centuries...then I'd suggest you shut up, don't go there, and treat your Black friends to a pizza just to earn some cultural sensitivity cred.
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  • Let your dog pounce all over your Black buddy when he/she comes to visit. During the Civil Rights Era, police dogs were released upon protesters and many Black men, women, and children who could not outrun the animals were viciously attacked. Honestly, this has nothing to do with why you need to control your dog, I just brought it up to guilt you into stopping your dog from climbing all over company. In honor of Black History Month, if you have a big ass dog who gets a bit "overly excited" when you have visitors,  then please close your dog into the bedroom when your Black friends come by.
  • Purchase the music of any rapper who sets the black race back by 5 or more years. To tell what rapper fits into this category, just imagine the rapper as a white guy who is married to Britney Spears. If that thought disgusts and infuriates you, then that rapper is off limits during Black History Month.
  • Act annoyed when black people speak loudly in public places. We have been oppressed for so long as a people that being able to raise our voices in pride is an accomplishment we take seriously, whether on public transportation, in a movie theater, or when yelling at the guy behind the counter at Subway who put THE WRONG TYPE OF MUSTARD ON MY GOD DAMNED FOOTLONG! Oh hellllll no!!!!
  • Tell me you wouldn't mind if said the word "Honkie" or "Cracker." If you think those words are comparable to "The N-Bomb," then you're already an incurable racist & nothing can save you but life coaching from Al Sharpton, who, ironically enough, was probably a kid around the time the words "Honkie" & "Cracker" were actually offensive. 
  • Say "Some of my best friends are Black" if a Black person accuses you of being prejudiced. There's really nothing wrong with stating that if it's true, except for the fact that Black People can not be corrected or proven to be wrong about anything during the month of February. Those are the rules, according to Jesse Jackson.

As a peace loving white American, if you can observe these simple rules then I'm sure we can all have the best Black History Month ever. On the other hand, for the White people who find all of this overwhelming, if you CLICK HERE AND PURCHASE MY ALBUM then you don't have to observe any of these rules. After all, being able to throw money at stuff you don't want to deal with is the American way, and nothing could help me celebrate Black History Month better than taking money from White folks. It's what Malcom X would have wanted.

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Happy Black History Month, everybody!

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  • Hilarious!

    xoxo,

    White Lady Who Gets Loud In Public But only Because I'm Short And Have A Napoleon Complex

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    I have a Napolean Complex too. Its the reason that I can't go out without high heels on. Even my snow boots have a wedge heel! LoLoL. Short girls are better at life :o)

  • This is the most racist piece of shit I have ever read.

    "ripping on my white friends mercilessly for the entire month, thereby creating a living hell that is similar to the psychological torture that the slaves endured" - wait, have your friends tortured you like you're a slave? Yes? Then you should probably get new friends. No? Then they should probably get a new friend, because obviously you're not worthy of returning their gift of friendship - which shouldn't really take into account what race you are.

  • In reply to cynthiachicago:

    Hi Cynthia. I think it's rude to call people stupid, but since I dunno what else to say to u I'm gonna withhold my comment and let my WHITE friend Kasie speak on my behalf:

    Hello, fellow white woman. I am Kasie, and I am Nikki's friend. She is an awesome friend and I think this blog is hilarious. I am not offended, I loved it. And to answer your question, yes, we have "tortured Nikki like she is a slave" by pulling her dreads, dragging her to party with us even though she won't drink, making her endure our doggy's drool and bad breathe, and a host of other offenses. I am proud to be alive in a time where people can talk openly about race in a way that is funny and light-hearted. It means we overcame something. Also, Nikki's family is biracial so unless she hates herself I doubt she could hate white people. You are out of line swearing like a sailor in your comment and accusing Nik of being racist. It seems like the person who has the biggest issue with race here is YOU.

  • In reply to NikkiLynette:

    So nice to hear from your most intelligent white friend as it doesn't appear you can formulate an argument on your own. Well then, let me correct your article facts from probably the same source you used, but neglected to state as you are apparently afraid of using the "N" word.

    "Black History Month actually started as Negro History Week in 1926 by Carter G. Woodson. The goal of Black History Week was to educate Blacks about their cultural background, and instill in them a sense of pride in their race."

    "He designated the second week in February to mark the birthdays of both Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln. The week was expanded to a month in 1976, as part of the nation

  • In reply to cynthiachicago:

    I am always amazed at how white women are able to make themselves out as the victim in every scenario...then to go even further and interpret to a BLACK woman what Black History month symbolizes or means to them...step outside of your little box of entitlement and enjoy the parody for what it was...a parody..instead of you taking the time to educate Nikki take the time to possibly see the blog from the perspective of a black woman who is probably just a little bit sick of the things that we as black people have to deal with on a regular basis from our unassuming white friends. Clearly the reason that you are so effected by the words is they are hitting home with you in some manner. My Black Granny always told me, The only dark that's barking is the one that got hit by the rock" Take your time walk slow stay in your lane and use this as an opportunity to reflect on how you can obviously change whatever it is inside of you that was so harshly touched by this blog...and stop manifesting your sense of entitlement on this woman's blog...and while you're at it, take some time review some vocabulary words that you don't have to use such vulgar language to express yourself since you're so concerned about Nikki's ability to express herself effectively....

  • In reply to cynthiachicago:

    I try to make a point of never disrespecting my elders, Cynthia, but u leave me no recourse. First, "Negroe History Week" is "Black History Month" for a reason. If u take issue with this time being designated to the celebration of Black History & culture, consult your local congressman. The reason I won't "formulate an argument" with u is because people like u don't exist in my world. White people who take issue with Blacks poking fun at them in any way or who get uptight when the topic of race is taken lightly are a dying breed. Things are changing in the world, and if u insist on remaining rigid and bitter, plagued by the weight of racial tension that u willingly carry on your shoulders...then good luck with that granny. People in my generation have bigger issues, like learning how to go green so we can stop global warming and trying to get our booties to be at least somewhat comparable to Kim Kardashian's. I guess what I'm saying here, Cynthia, is u can either stay bitter, uptight, grumpy, and entitled, or u can get with the times. Because I bet this bitterness and know-it-all attitude u're giving me right now is affecting your life in other ways, too. And just so u know, if u'd contacted me ANYWHERE other than my blog I would have cursed u the hell out, in a very black girlish type of way. But I can' do it here. I get paid to blog. So...yeah. Happy Black History Month, Cynthia!

  • In reply to NikkiLynette:

    Nikki, you mentioned, "consult your local congressman." That's something I've never quite understood. Is Black History Month a law or congressional resolution or something official like that?

    I remember the 2005 interview on 60 Minutes where Morgan Freeman called Black History Month "ridiculous," explaining: "I don't want a Black History Month. Black history is American history." Asked by Mike Wallace, "How are we going to get rid of racism?" Freeman snapped: "Stop talking about it!"

    I respectfully disagree with Morgan Freeman. We don't solve problems by not talking about them.

    But is BHM mandatory? I mean, if Cynthia et al. don't want to celebrate it, they're free to abstain. Right?

  • In reply to akurtz19:

    I don't think celebrating Black History Month is mandatory anywhere except for public elementary schools. To Cynthia's credit, she was not speaking against BHM. She was griping because she took offense to a satirical blog. (Fail.) I think the way to absolve racism is to not ignore, but to be honest about it, accept each other's differences, and get over it. History is written by the victors, and in a country where the school's curriculum isn't always historically accurate, Black History Month provides provides people of all races an opportunity to learn about African Americans and their contributions to the country by putting a spotlight on it. I think it's useful. If a person doesn't wanna be down, their loss, ya know? Because whether they like it or not, you can't really tell the story of American History without including Black History.

  • In reply to NikkiLynette:

    Nikki, if as you say Black History Month is mandatory only in public elementary schools, then it makes no sense for you to tell Cynthia, as you did, "consult your local congressman." The U.S. Congress does not micromanage public elementary school curriculum; that's strictly a local matter.

    Moreover, if Cynthia wanted to complain about Black History Month to her school district, it wouldn't carry much weight unless she had a child enrolled at the public elementary school in question. And even then, she'd been unlikely to prevail. Her only realistic recourse would be to switch her child to a private school or do home schooling.

    So while you're right in saying "history is written by the victors," you overlook the fact that in this case African Americans ARE the victors. It's a safe bet that in whatever public elementary schools Black History Month is mandatory, black people are primarily responsible for making that happen. Black History Month IS history is written by the victors.

    But BHM should not be mandatory. Forcing it down people's throats only serves as a wedge to drive the races further apart. Either make it voluntary, where parents can choose whether or not to allow their children to participate, or better yet fully integrate black history into American history courses.

  • In reply to akurtz19:

    I'm not a politician who writes laws or a teacher who writes school curriculum. I'm an entertainer who writes satirical blogs that people use as catalyst to dust off their soap box and stand on it. LoL.

  • In reply to NikkiLynette:

    You can slough it off it you like, but you're an African American writer who's opened a public dialog with white people on the topic of Black History Month. And now that said dialog has reached a point of apparent discomfort for you, you disengage. It's not very becoming, Nikki.

  • In reply to akurtz19:

    It's not an issue of discomfort, I don't think anybody has said anything shocking or intimidating on this comment board. This blog was read by hundreds of people but only 2 are being contentious. It's obviously not as serious for me as it is for you, I don't make a hobby of perusing blogs and arguing about the underlying meaning behind the satire or debating the policies that inspired such liberal nonsense. And if we're being technical, Mr. Kurtz, I never opened a dialogue about whether or not BHM should be mandatory, you did. So my lack of desire to engage in a conversation I see as pointless has less to do with the fact that it's an assainine argument and more to do with the fact that a new episode of Archer came on tonight and I want to go see if Archer is gonna hook back up with his hot black ex-girlfriend. So happy blog hunting. I'll leave you now in the manner that is customary for my people to say when parting company...Dueces.

  • In reply to akurtz19:

    if ever a nation needed to celebrate anything and get it rubbed it in their face it the ole usa and black history month just like germany needs jewish history day every day and thats the truth we prob need blak history day monthly here too who i to say just white boy prob more like weekly every monday look in the mirror shit

  • Although the author forbids us white people from talking about how attractive a Black female entertainer is, unless she is reputedly a Lesbian, I hope it's OK to say that Nikki Lynette, who is a Black female entertainer, is also a very good writer.

  • In reply to akurtz19:

    Alan u are funny! All of the women I listed weren't reputed lesbians, what about fictitious m.i.l.f. Claire Huxtable? She's totally hetero. LoL! Glad u enjoyed the piece, Alan. Thanx for commenting :o)

  • "my White friends" lol.

  • This has to be one of the most hilarious things I ever read

  • In reply to leroybrown:

    Awww, thanx Roy :o)

  • I know that the first response will be horrified. But, in the spirit of tolerance... it goes both ways.

    My "people" had nothing to do with slavery! I am sorry it happened. I think it is a disgusting moment in history. I also am a fan of punishment that fits the crime, lets see how some of those $%^&#$ would like getting whipped, starved, etc....

    I am Polish 2nd generation. My grandparents came here without a backward glance: http://www.holocaustforgotten.com/poland.htm

    They were the lucky ones. 6 milllion of "us" were" exterminated because we were Polish & deemed not worthy. I have NO family to trace back. The village was burned & the people murdered.

    No one ever talks about what happened to Poland. We just know about what happened to Jewish people. Hitler hated Polish as much as he hated Jewish.

    No one speaks about the " 3 White Elephant's" in the room today. My grand parents did everything they could to make their children & themselves Americans (yes - they were legal). They struggled to put their children through the top schools in Chicago... Loyola & Depaul.

    1st White Elephant:
    As a second generation Polish person I have been experiencing a special kind of racism in past years.

    Unfortunately, Eastern European folks have been coming here, living like they were kin to Paris Hilton, treating people awfully (as my darling g-ma says - no one comes to another country if life is good at home - her sweet way of calling them trash), then they max out the credit like parasites & ship the goods back home.

    Because I look Eastern European, I have experienced people who "DO NOT" like people that look like me (blonde - grn eyes - slavic looking). Not to play "Can you beat this", but I have had people get totally rude with me until they heard my obvious American accent.

    2nd "White Elephant":

    Reverse racism. Maybe it is just me but I think it is totally $%^&# when I am friendly to a person (I'm done with the labels) & they are totally rude because of my skin color. HEY! I didn't ask to be white. I am who I am.

    If you want to experience reverse racism try going to Jazzing at the Shedd or any other events where white people are not the norm. Personally, I learned long ago to hang with people who were just friendly. They might not have been "cool" but we accepted each other.

    3rd "White Elephant":

    Why is my Vagina considered a mental impediment? I own my own company. Yet there has been times when I worked as a 3rd level tech have had to drag in the male intern to reiterate what I just said. Even today, I get people that disregard my competence. I'm lucky that these jokers are usually references that I can ignore & the referrers wonder why the jack@ss didn't use my company.

    Dear Miss Nikki - our lives are not so different. I have read your 3 installments of your difficulties in life. I also was dropped in central Illinois. I didn't speak like them, have the rich parents like the political kids, or whatever numerous issues they had with me. I basically wore a kick me sign for proper enunciation, loving learning & reading. I could go on... success is the best revenge!!!!

    So while I feel for your "race" issues, it's not so rosy on the "white" side.

    Giant hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!

  • Post addendum:

    For all the people looking for the fight on my post.

    1.
    I won't engage. My feelings are my feelings. Nikki made a post about her White friends & I chose to give my opinion.

    2. I highly respect Nikki & her writing on this blog. I will not engage in any form of argument that takes away from her message.

    3. It is a beautiful world we live in that allows us our free speech & opinions.

    4. I do not have any "tokens" I have friends. However, I would love to be someone's "token". I am embarrassingly myself. Love me - understand I am ME.

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    black people should thank us for enslaving them if you relly think about it where would you be to day if we didnt breing your ancesters to america the anwsert for most of u is starving your ass off in aferica

  • In reply to not racist:

    Were you high when you wrote that?

  • In reply to not racist:

    Why are racist people so ignorant? If you were going to write this, you could have at least used correct spelling and punctuation. Geez!

  • These are hilarious! I will definitely be sharing.

  • Re: Purchase the music of any rapper who sets the black race back by 5 or more years.

    Speaking of which, Nikki, your posts just set EVERYBODY back by 5 or more years. Just because you're talking about race doesn't mean you're contributing to a healthy conversation. This blog is based on a false and ill-conceived pretense that gross generalizations are acceptable.

  • In reply to Andrew:

    Your comment is based on a false and ill-conceived pretense that there is no such thing as satire.

  • I heard Barack Obama saw his shadow yesterday, and now there's going to be six more weeks of black history month.

  • In reply to PC1755:

    womp womp wommmmp

  • I believe that Duke Ellington is the greatest American born musician. He wrote and arranged a library full of music which has it's own place at the Smithsonian.

    I believe Willie Mays is the greatest all-around baseball player ever. Every phase of the game was played with greatness by this man.

    I believe two of the finest economic minds, as well as political minds, we have today are Dr. Thomas Sowell and Dr. Walter Williams. I have read some of their books. They are billiant men.

    What all of the above men have in common is they are black, and I could provide dozens, even hundreds of examples of black men and women whom l see as great Americans.

    I take people on an individual basis, but I do poke fun at everyone, including me and my own kind, because in the end, there is only one race, the human race, and we are all fair game.

    The freedom of speech is one of our inalienable rights, and our founders saw to it that "congress shall make no law" suppressing it.

    We have the right to poke fun at our leaders and our institutions.

    My joke was intended to get your attention.

    You should not use the race card as a way of censoring anyone.

  • fb_avatar

    For future reference, the term "race card" is a red flag. It often means, "I'm being racist but will deny it until my death." And your statements about all of the black people you revere sound a lot like, "I have a black friend, so I can't be racist." I say this because I will force myself to accept you at your word that you aren't. Therefore, I thought you should know that you are communicating a mixed message. Plus, it was a terrible joke.

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    I'm "White" but because I had such dark skin growing up I was called "nigger" by teachers, students and even my own FATHER accused my mother of cheating, and said I wasn't his son and that he wanted a DNA test to prove I was, because he said I was "a nigger"... So fuck you bitch, I will go dutch any god damn time I want, and I'll say who I find attractive whenever I please. Black History month does nothing but keep racism alive. I get followed in stores by clerks and get looks from cops - You think just because we fill out "white" on the applications that our skin tone conveys that to the world around us? NO, I suffered from racism from BOTH blacks and whites - so stop dictating to us, you fucking NAZI bitch.

  • In reply to Ted Bolha:

    It takes a true bitch to call a woman a bitch, especially a woman who he doesn't know. I mean, I know bitch can be used to describe women because of it's etymology, but it has also been used to describe a man who behaves in a way that is not manly, like when it is used in statements such as "whining like a little bitch" or "disrespecting women on a blog's comment board like a butthurt little bitch" or "mad that he has a permanent tan and being a total bitch about it." Like that.

    Sorry to hear your dad was such a tool to you, but I think him calling you a nigger has less to do with your complexion and more to do with him being an asshole. And judging from the comment you left me, he should be proud of you. Because you turned out just like him.

    Have a great summer! You might wanna stay out of the sun :o)

  • In reply to Ted Bolha:

    I'm on the dark side, too, especially in the summer, so I get funny looks or questions in Spanish. Never did dig out my roots, but I don't give a shit.

  • I know I am a year late on this topic but it was funny and I believe it made several people either smile or display their hate.

    I have white friends who thought this was like I thought funny. But we choose not to discuss it some whites who work with us simply because we know what their reaction would be.

    Trying to get then to read something that is just pure funny they would go on this rant that would probably get a hard slap
    I mean a serious slap and possible kick as well

  • I've got some funny ones for Blanco American History Month. You'll be gasping and spitting. I mean, some have to do with being pink-looking and some having to do with being like Casper the Ghost. It will start with "White folks does...".

    Oh, don't worry: there is nothing you are not allowed to say during Blanco History Month, because nothing said can qualify as "hate" speech or discrimination, cause white has da mite.

    Somewhere there was humor in this piece, but juz...can't....find it.

    Just "passin'" through here.

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