This blog may not be completely about diabetes but I had a lot of time to think as I was ticking time away in the hospital. I got hit hard by reality, I am not ashamed to say that I shed a lot of tears. I wanted no visitors, my mom and sister were fine because there was no way they would not visit me. I was in a kind of dark place. I did something I never do, I got stuck in neutral, I looked at my regrets. I thought of how much I have messed up, I lost focus on all of the good and positive things in my life.
I posted last week that I was going to Iowa on a road trip. I had to cancel it last minute and stayed home. I am disappointed that I did not make the trip after all. I was looking forward to a long drive to a kind of nowhere end, just me, the road and my thoughts.
In hindsight it was a good thing I did not go considering my stay in a hospital. I did not get the same thoughts out in the hospital that I would have on the road. I am still thinking of taking a road trip, on my own. I just want to be lost and off the grid a bit. I miss being missed, I miss being needed, and yeah I miss being wanted. Gosh, reading all of this back it seems I am just a negative Nellie, I am just being honest and giving my thoughts to you.
We diabetics lose hope sometimes it can be from the smallest set back. We start to wonder can we make anyone else happy? Are we doomed to be in and out of hospitals our whole lives? That just is not living. I for one am hopeful that this is my last trip to the hospital for a while. As much as I appreciate the blog ideas it has helped me with, I am not good with stationary life. I hate being teased by the sun outside and the scent people bring in from the outside.
I am doing my best, but maybe I need to think bigger, stop procrastinating and just get out there and do it. It may not be a perfect life but at least I can say I gave it all I had.