What am i fighting for?

What am i fighting for?

When I was hanging out in bed in the hall of the ER (apparently, I picked a heavy night) I became overcome by emotion.  I felt hopeless, I felt helpless.  I felt like no matter what I do this disease is going to pick me apart.  I have gone from being a bad diabetic to becoming the best diabetic I can.  Times like this make me feel like I am never going to beat this disease.

It makes me feel like I should just stop trying, and live up my life while I can.  That is a foolish notion of course, giving up is not the way I am built.  I did not beat cancer just to let diabetes beat me. The reason to keep it up is so I CAN live to be an old man.  I, like most diabetics, know that this life is not easy and is not the path we choose but in the story of life we are remembered for our victories.

It is a tough pill to swallow though.  I mean what if I try and try and do the best I can but lose to this disease, is it my penance for being a bad diabetic?  If so then why try to right the wrongs now?  Maybe I won’t die from this disease maybe I will not lose any extremities.  The maybes are what I guess are keeping me going when I hit a dark spot.

The nurses and doctors have done well, I have been a difficult patient at times.  For some reason I feel like if I annoy them enough they will fix what is ailing me and send me on my way to annoy other folks.  It did not work, the doctor got all wordy with his threats and said if I leave I could lose my foot or worse.  If you want to keep someone anywhere, just throw in a “or worse” yeah, they aren’t going anywhere. **Note** this unpleasantness was only for a few hours and I changed my attitude quick, all of the doctors and nurses treated me well and said they would miss their nicest patient.  I am not making that up.  I always try to be nice but we all falter sometimes.

I am back at home now, the reason of this latest trip was not because I am doing anything wrong it is just a thing that diabetics will deal with.  I have found strength in myself, and through my friends and family.  They are my reason to fight, that and the fact that I young with a bright future.   I will live to fight another day but this disease can really land a punch.  I am up before the count hits 8 and I am ready to swing  back.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: diabetes, diabetic, type 1, type 2

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