Sometimes I am a hypocrite, I preach about the sunny side of life but I sometimes do not live it. Learning to live with this disease is not easy. I still break at times. I have always had trouble appreciating the good moments over the bad, even when the good outweighs the bad. This weekend was rough.
I am going to see my endocrinologist later this week and I cannot wait. My blood glucose goes like this, morning: low, after breakfast: high, lunch: okay, after lunch: high-ish, dinner and everything after: fine. I am adjusting, but maybe not enough for fruit. I love fruit but a lot of fruit hates diabetics. I play it safe and stick to berries. It might be other stuff occupying my mind and just adding to the frustration, who knows.
I find happiness at some point but it can get ugly. I can shut down and be the only person in the world. I know this seems like a melancholy post I did not intend that. It is just honesty, it is something I think many diabetics deal with. I have said this disease is fickle, I want to live long enough to see my hair go gray and walk with a hunch.
I have become good at faking it, no one likes a complainer. I can build a wall, which is new to me, I have never done that before. I long for the day I do not have to worry about this disease. It makes me uncomfortable, I have to change out my pump today. What happens if I find another bad spot? I think I will just play it safe. I am generally happy but sometimes diabetes gets the best of me. Or is it the worst?