Blogger's note: I actually wrote this blog a few weeks ago but I was apprehensive about posting it. I finally felt able to share this with you, it is not everything but it is the non-diabetic portion of the pie.
Happy one second then sad then angry, I have never experienced mood swings like this. People with diabetes can be prone to this. It can be anything from a change in blood glucose levels to watching people gleefully gorge themselves with brownies.
The fact is that I do not enjoy the swings, I imagine most people do not. A few weeks ago I went to a house where my friend from improv(inside joke) lives. She was hosting a few people for a board game night. We played “Killing Dr. Lucky” despite the morbid sounding name it is incredibly fun. Oh and I won, I totally killed Dr. Lucky with a shoe horn. I never thought of it as a murderous weapon so as a caution be kind to the folks who sell shoes for a living.
When I am around a group of people if I feel a good vibe I get into my funny mode. I crack jokes and I try to make everyone laugh. I do not know why but it was not enough, I mean for a few hours I was great but then I left and the sadness set in. I am typically a happy and optimistic person so when things get dark it has a profound effect on me.
I know I am doing the best for myself, I know that I am on the path to healthy and I find happiness in that. I have a great family and magnificent friends, I know it is not nice to gloat but my friends could totally take your friends in a fight. By fight I mean a hug war. The tightest hug with the most warmth wins. Even as I type this I am beating away the bad feelings by trying to add a bit of levity to this post.
I can honestly tell you that I love life and I know people have it worse than I. I know it is most likely just temporary and I will be back to my old self sometime soon. Lately, I decided to buy a ukulele, her name is ukulayla, I want to learn how to play it and write songs. I really think it is a beautiful sounding instrument, not when I play but when played well it can bring you to your knees. It seems it will take a bit, who knew there were so many chords based on 4 strings.
I have been through a lot over the last few months. I sometimes feels crushed by the weight of it. I know my friends Alex, Jessica, Rick, Tiffany, Tom, Heather, Jeri, Milfy :) and Blake among others have been a huge rock. I only mention them because only they truly know my feelings. I do not like to complain so this blog is how many of my friends are finding out. You have all helped without even knowing it. Just being a part of the laughter in my life is super important. You have all given me that. Just because I did not mention you does not make you any less vital to me.
I have not mentioned it to many because I am embarrassed and ashamed. I do not want people to worry about my well-being. I just never imagined that I would be in such a rut at this point in my life. I feel like I am letting people down and maybe I need a change. I saw myself being married and living the American dream. Right now that is not the case.
I am sorry this turned into a pity party and this has been the hardest thing I have ever written. I needed to though, no more hiding. I am working on it every day and I know I will survive. I just wish God would give me a head’s up on his plan for me. I wish he could send me a message that everything will be alright. The happy me is still here, just in hiding until I figure it out.
To those friends I have not had this talk with, please do not take it personally. I was just trying to save you from my bitching.
Peace Love Harmony.