As I wander through my new life as a diabetic I find myself obsessed with monitoring my blood sugar. I cannot say why I haven’t had this approach all along but I think it is not all together healthy either. Lately, I have been living and dying per glucose test. When it is high I get frustrated same with when it is low.
I wish I could have the reaction I have when I test good blood glucose. I get happy I put it in the log then move on with life. When my glucose is not in a good range I beat myself up over it. I try to remember every meal, thinking if I had one too many almonds. That’s it! One almond is the difference between being high and being normal. I try to catch myself, I try to convince myself that other lifetime diabetics have good and bad days. In the end I only worry about my situation.
I am giving this the most I can. I regret that I waited so long to be healthy. Out of that regret comes the realization that I am headed in the right direction. I know I cannot change the past I can only control the present and some of the future. Yes I believe in fate despite earlier attempts of denying it, I believe it is real. The best I can do is exactly what I am doing now, be patient, keep up with my doctors, and remember that this disease will not get the best of me, as much as it might try.
I am living my life, I am focusing on big decisions I need to make. Learning to try and get over my guilt of past errors and just have fun with every second of life. It is easier said than done, but health is not just physical but emotional as well. I need to remember that every day. I need to remember to do one thing a day that makes me happy. This blog is part of that. It is great to write what is on my mind and know that others are going through it too.
These are tough times for everyone, we all wish for something more. Not that we are greedy, we just want to know that we haven’t stopped wanting. I am looking forward to the day that I can look back at this blog and laugh at my stumbles. I know that day will come I just have to be patient and appreciate the good moments. I am going to do my best to not worry about the bad readings, because I know that I usually get it back under control. For the first time in my life, I know how it feels to get control.