Archive for 2012

The evolution of a zit

MONDAY Hmm, what’s that bump on my chin? Well, I won’t touch it and we’ll see what happens. I’m just gonna touch it once to see how big it feels. Man, that feels big, but when I look in the mirror it doesn’t look like much. Here lemme touch it again to see how it... Read more »

Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete... Read more »

More crap NOT to buy my kids this holiday

There are two things I’m good at. Reading People magazine and telling people why a certain kid’s toy sucks. Which is why I was crazy stoked when a reader recently sent me a link to People Magazine’s suggestions of which toys to buy kids for the holidays this year. Ahhhhh, it’s like the perfect storm... Read more »
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What to tell a kid who's doubting the whole Santa Claus thing

Lately I’ve heard a lot of my friends with older kids complaining that their kids are starting to question the whole Santa Claus thing. Ordinarily I’d be like you suck because your kids are out of diapers and go to school all day so WTH are you complaining about, but in the spirit of the... Read more »

We are all parents

Yesterday a mom told her son to put on his shoes no fewer than four times before she finally exploded. PUT ON YOUR SHOES!!! She felt bad about it, but he finally put on his shoes, and it was quiet the whole way to school. And then later that day she watched the news and... Read more »

My kids don't look like me. Thank Effing God.

This is my husband.
Do you know what people think when I’m with my kids? They think I’m the F’ing nanny. I shit you not. I’m dark, they’re albino. Their eyes are the color of the ocean, mine are the color of poop. I’m short, and they’re short too. Because they’re frigging kids. I used to joke that the... Read more »
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What you SHOULD F’ing buy my kids this holiday

So all these blue-haired grannies are on my ass asking me what the hell they should buy their grandpoopers now that I’ve pretty much nixed every present out there because they’re all so annoying. Welcome to my world, Nanas. Sucks, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s skip all the intro crap (translation: I’m lazy) and get to... Read more »

Barnum and Bailey, the Weirdest Show on Earth

Ohhhh, I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I can barely contain myself! This is what I said on the way to the circus. Then we got there, and I have just three words for you. WHAT-THE-FUCK? Damn it, I said I wasn’t going to cuss as much in this blog but here I go already.... Read more »

I heart my little booger

People always talk about the unconditional love our kids give us, but do you know what I think is even more amazing? The unconditional love we have for them. They poop, stink, bark (that’s a typo but I’m going to leave it because it’s true), barf, shit all over us, figuratively and literally, and they’re... Read more »
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What NOT to F'ing buy my kids this holiday

Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop, Ahhh, yes, here we go again. The most wonderful time of the year. For you. For me it’s more like let’s see how much more crap I can fit in my house until TLC comes knocking at my door because they think I’m an F’ing hoarder. I know... Read more »