Archive for 2013

Chain letters suck ass and should be illegal

Awwww shit, you’re not gonna believe what my daughter got the other day. Nahh, not her period. That would have sent me to an early grave. Or a giant handle of vodka. Although I hear kids are getting that shit at like negative-2-years-old these days with all that hormone milk they’re drinking. But I digress.... Read more »

Santa Claus ain't comin' to your town, Shlomo Baruch

So this is the conversation I had with my daughter last week. KID: How big are the elves? ME: Uhh, I don’t know, like the size of your Barbies. KID: What does Santa do if his sleigh breaks? ME: No F’ing clue. KID: Does he have a mommy? ME: No. KID: Santa doesn’t have a... Read more »

Dear Santa, do this shit or else

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Kanye and Kim make a video AND a baby (AT THE SAME TIME!!!)

Holy crap, have you seen the new video Kim and Kanye made? Aggggghhhh! I mean I know I’m always a little behind the times and like 12 million people have already watched this shit, but it’s never too late to comment on something like this. My first thought was WTF WTF WTF??? And after that... Read more »

Just a little F.U. letter to my ex-boyfriend

Dear Ex-boyfriend, I just wanted to shoot you a quick note after running into you yesterday. Well, that was a little awkward. What’s it been? Like eight years since you sent me that text message? Blah blah blah, you’re not looking for anything serious. Blah blah blah, don’t want to get married. In case it... Read more »

The sucky truth about breastfeeding

Dear pregnant people, So here’s the thing. I know when you walk down the street and bump into moms they say things like, “Congratulations!” and “It’s so exciting!” and “Welcome to the club!” But really in their head they’re thinking awww shit, you have no F’ing clue what you’re in for. Because even though becoming... Read more »
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A bunch of shit I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving

1. My family 2. My health 3. Food and shelter Okay, now that we’ve gotten that crap out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff. 4. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for helping me shower so I don’t kill people with my B.O. 5. Having a small bathroom so I can lean over from the... Read more »

My New Pink Button: How to paint your labia pink (I shit you not)

OMG, holy crap, have you seen this vagina bleach stuff people are talking about? Well, in case you haven’t seen it, yes, this is a real product that bleaches the area around your hoo-ha (or as I call it, your hoo-harea) and they sell in India and Asia because apparently women over there have this... Read more »

Play date waiver form (can't say I didn't warn ya)

______________________________________________________ PLAY DATE WAIVER FORM Participant Release of Liability and Assumption of Risk Agreement ______________________________________________________ Dear parent whose child is coming over to play today, Thank you for sending ___________________ over to our house. In consideration of his/her attendance and participation in this play date, you the participant’s parent ___________________ acknowledge the existence of certain... Read more »
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The NO MAKEUP NO MIRROR PROJECT

Okay, so I don’t know about you but I pretty much wear some kind of makeup every day. I’m not saying I slather on the blue eye shadow and crap, but I usually have to cover up some red dots from pimples I popped like four months ago and if I don’t add a little... Read more »
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    Karen Alpert

    Karen is the ridiculously hairy, self-deprecating writer of the blog Baby Sideburns. She has spent the past fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job— Mommy. She lives with her two amazing kiddos and a very forgiving husband who is kind enough not to call her Cousin It when she undresses for bed every night.

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