Holy crap, did you know that there are over one-hundred-fifty Yankee Candle scents?! 150!! And even though I’m gonna make fun of a lot of them in this post, I want to preface this by saying if anyone who’s reading this works in the Yankee Candle HR department, please give me THAT job. The person who gets to make up the new candle flavors. I can't believe someone actually gets paid to do that.
Anyways, I’m not gonna psychoanalyze ALL 150 different smells, but I’ve picked out a few of my favorites. Here goes.
What your Yankee Candle scent says about you:
You don’t just believe in angels. You believe in them SOOO much that you think their wings actually have a specific smell. I’m just curious, WTH do the wings of an angel smell like? God? Clouds? B.O. if they’ve been flying a lot?
You are childless. Because if you had kids, you would know that “early sunrise” does not smell good. It smells like dragon breath and farts that have been bottled up under the covers all night long and a kid who’s been marinating in a pee diaper for hours. Why don't you bottle that shit, Yankee Candle?
CANDY CANE LANE
You’re the kinda person who probably owns multiple Elf on a Shelfs (Elves on a Shelves???). Because how else can you do annoying shit like set up a mini marshmallow snowball fight if you only have one elf? Oh, and you probably think ugly Christmas sweaters are actually pretty and you probably wear them in a serious way.
You like the smell of clean sheets.
You already have the Clean Cotton candle.
You own so many Yankee Candles you almost jizzed in your pants when you realized there’s an entire line of scents that smell like fresh linens.
You’re an alcoholic. Not really, but hey if you take your alcohol through multiple orifices, I mean, you know what I’m sayin’.
LOVES ME, LOVES ME NOT
You fell in love with your high school sweetheart and married him and never realized that “Loves Me, Loves Me Not” is actually the smell of a guy who’s afraid of commitment. It’s like they bottled the smell of every douchebag I ever dated in my 20’s.
OVER THE RIVER
You are the kind of person who is nostalgic for the smell of your grandma’s house, even though it always smells like some weird food being cooked like cabbage that smells like gray underwear.
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
You either don’t have kids or they still live at home. Because if your kids had gone to college already you’d know that the smell of “Home for the Holidays” is the stench of dirty laundry that hasn’t been washed all semester even though someone had sex in it.
You are a dead head who doesn’t shower regularly and you burn this candle all the time and the upstairs neighbors hate you but you have no F’ing idea because you’re always stoned.
MAGICAL FROSTED FOREST
You are over the age of 35 and genuinely still think that fairies and unicorns really exist and you wear crystals and ask people in the supermarket line what their sign is and they want to run away but they can’t because they already put their shit on the belt.
You like to watch the Weather Channel like it’s a regular channel. Which it is not.
If you thought this was funny, you're right! Shit, no, that's not what I meant to say. I meant to say, if you thought this was funny, check out my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It's the perfect gift for the holidays if you want to buy someone the glorious gift of laughter. Barffffff.