Holy crap do I suck at making school lunches

Okay, so now that Zoey is in kindergarten I have to pack her lunch for school, which is like the hardest thing on earth because she doesn’t eat jack shit. Well, she eats peanut butter but we can’t pack that because it might kill a kid, and I'm not really into killing children. Well, besides my own when they’re acting like douchenuggets.

Anyways, every day I comb through the cabinets desperately searching for something healthy Zoey will actually eat, as if something magical is going to pop up that I didn't think of for the past three weeks. Oh I know, veggie straws!!! Yeah, those are healthy because they have pictures of real vegetables on the package. Not.

So I end up putting the same damn thing I put in her lunchbox every day. Cheese and strawberries. Because those are the only two healthy things she’ll eat. And then I fill the rest of the lunchbox with crap like goldfish and teddy grahams and other shit because I’m scared if she doesn’t eat she’ll be hungry and cranky and won’t learn and will hate school. And then at the end of the day she brings home her lunchbox and oooh look at that, she ate everything, except for the cheese and strawberries. Awesome.

And you know what makes me feel even worse about being such a crappy lunchbox packer? All of these adorable lunches that I’m seeing online that people are packing for their kids. And by adorable I mean F'ing annoying. Have you seen this shit? Just go to Pinterest and you’ll see like 9,000 of them. Here are a few of my favorites:

Okay, that might look cool, but ewww. It looks like rice and dog food on top of bed of lettuce. pea pods and broccoli. I imagine one of those super annoying moms who only wears tennis skirts made this and says shit like, "Your kid won't eat kale? How odd. My son will eat anything green if it's in the shape of a Sendak character or a post Renaissance painting."

Okay, that might look totally awesome but WTF kinda food is that? It looks like rice and dog food on a bed of asparagus, pea pods and broccoli. I imagine it was made by one of those super annoying moms who only wears tennis skirts and says shit like, "Your kid won't eat kale? How odd. My son LOVES anything green as long as it's in the shape of a Sendak character or a post-Renaissance painting."

Sooo cute, I LOVE the flower-shaped carrot in the flower cup. But WTF were you thinking putting the elephant shape in a plain ole round bowl. F'ing minimalist.

Sooo cute, I LOVE the flower-shaped carrot in the flower cup. And carrots are so easy to cut. But WTF was this mom thinking putting the elephant shape in a plain ole round bowl? I give her an F for effort.

You just know little Muffy McPinterest is all like "Honey, don't tilt your lunchbox or Elsa's eyeballs might fall off. AGGGHHHHH, DON'T F'ING TILT IT!!! I woke up at 4AM to make that and it has to be perfect or the other kids won't be jealous of you!!"

You just know little Muffy McPinterest is all like "Honey, don't tilt your lunchbox or Elsa's eyeballs might fall off. AGGGHHHHH, DON'T F'ING TILT IT!!! I woke up at 4AM to make that and it has to be perfect or the other kids won't be jealous of you!!"

Anyways, there's only one thing I have to say about all this stuff. WTFFFFFFF????!!!!!! Who the hell has time for shit like this? Seriously, overachiever Pinteresty moms, do you know what you are doing to us normal people?! Here I was thinking I was gonna win mother-of-the-year because I drew a cute picture on Zoey’s napkin and managed not to put a giant hole through it with the pen, when all this time the kid next to her is opening up a bento box that illustrates the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in tofu and edamame with flax seed accoutrements.

But fine, whatever, I don’t want my kid to be the ONLY one without an edible masterpiece. I’ll play the stupid “I’m a better mom than you” game. That’s right, ladies, you’re goin’ down because you’re not the only one who can design fancy lunches for your kiddo. Read'm and weep.

M-I-C-K-E-Y. Why? I have no F'ing idea. Yo kid, don't eat the googly eyes or you might choke to death.

I call this yogurt concoction "Dropping the kids off at the pool!!"

I call this yogurt recipe "Dropping the kids off at the pool!!"

It's a tree. Seriously. It's. A. Tree.

Does a bear shit in the woods? No idea, but he definitely shits in your lunchbox. xoxoxo Mom

Does a bear shit in the woods? He does now.
xoxoxo Mom

If you want to know how to make any of my artistic lunch creations, I don't blame you. They're pretty F'ing amazeballs. I will be sharing them along with full instructions on Pinterest. No, that's a lie. If you want to make these, figure it out yourself.

Ooh ooh wait, I just got a fun idea. Who else wants to make fun of these stoopid Pinterest lunches? Send me a picture of a shitty lunchbox creation you came up with. The shittier and funnier the better. You can post it on my Facebook page. I'll pick the most awesome ones to share in a post next week. I'll even send a signed copy of my book to the best one! Just for shits and giggles.

And don't forget to press the Facebook like button in this article and check out my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It'll make you feel like a better parent. Compared to me at least.

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