Okay, so yesterday I was walking with Holden and all of the sudden out of the blue, guess what he asks me.
HOLDEN: Mommy, how does the baby get out of the belly?
WTF, seriously? Agggghhhh, you’re not even three-years-old yet!!! And there’s not a pregnant person in sight and we weren’t talking about pregnant people, so why the hell did this just pop into a toddler's head? I mean Zoey’s five and she still hasn’t asked how babies are born, probably because she thinks they’re delivered by fairies riding Pegasus unicorns or some shit like that, but whatever. I fumble for the right words.
ME: Ummm, the baby just comes out of the Mommy.
Shit shit shit, that is not an answer. You can’t be THAT mom. If you don’t answer your kid’s questions, he’s not going to come to you with questions anymore and you don’t want that. And they say if they’re old enough to ask, then they’re old enough to hear the truth. I don’t know who the heck “they” is, but “they” say it and it sounds scientific, so who am I to argue? Shit. Okay, here goes.
ME: Out of her vagina.
Hells yeah!! Two points for Mama!!! Because:
A. I gave him the real answer
B. I used the anatomically correct word
C. I didn’t say hooha or vajayjay
And D. I managed not to laugh
And here's what he said back:
HOLDEN: Or her penis.
Or HER penis? No, no, no. The words her and penis never go together. And besides, we've had THIS conversation like a thousand million times already. The boys have penises and girls have vaginas conversation:
HOLDEN: You have a gina.
HOLDEN: Zoey has a gina.
HOLDEN: I have a penis and Daddy has a penis.
ME: That’s right.
HOLDEN: Girls have ginas and boys have penises.
ME: You’ve got it!
HOLDEN: Can I see your penis?
ME: (sigh) Girls don’t have penises, buddy.
Anyways, I say it again for the umpteenth time.
ME: Nope, girls don’t have penises.
As we walk for a little longer, I can practically see the cogs in his brain turning. WHAT is he thinking about? Is he picturing the baby coming out of her you-know-what? I can’t imagine his tiny little brain has a clue. And then finally he speaks.
HOLDEN: Does she squeeze it out?
Ummm, what? Did he seriously just ask that? I’m kinda wondering what he means by “squeeze it out.” Does he mean does she squeeze it out like you squeeze out a poop, or does he mean does she squeeze her belly with her hands like a lemon and the baby pops out?
ME: Umm, yeah, kind of.
And then the conversation is over. Thank God. He doesn’t ask anything else.
Because I know this is going to come back up again and again. In fact, if it’s anything like the “girls have ginas, boys have penises” conversation, we’re going to be discussing this a lot over the next few weeks. A LOT.
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