I'm the mean Mommy who won't give her kid a sip of water when he's thirsty

Dear Holden,

Can we talk? "Cause here’s the thing, right now you’re standing at the top of the stairs calling, “Mommy, Mommmmyyy, I’m thirstyyyy,” and I’m sitting on the couch thinking, “F.U.” I mean I would never say that out loud to you, but yes, in my head I’m kinda telling you to F off.

I mean yeah I know you’re only 2 ½ and as adorable as a fluffy golden retriever and I probably shouldn’t even THINK curse words around you, but these days it’s kinda becoming the norm. Because well, you’re almost three, and I know they call it the terrible two’s, but seriously a three-year-old is basically Satan wrapped in the adorable body of a young child. Every time you lift your shirt I half expect the words “help me” to scratch from inside your belly like that little girl in the Exorcist who was crying for help because the devil had taken over her. But I digress. Big time.

Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah, go the F to bed!!!! Because here’s the thing. I hear you. The whole damn neighborhood hears you. WE KNOWWWW, you’re thirsty!! But guess what. I gave you water FIVE MINUTES AGO!!!! And five minutes before that I took you to the potty again. And five minutes before that, I read you an extra book. And I sang you three songs, including that stupid one about Star Wars because you insisted I sing to you about Star Wars, even though GUESS WHAT, brainiac, Star Wars is all instrumental. So I had to make up these stupid words to the tune of Star Wars:

Da da da, Star Wars,

Da da da, Yoda

Da da da, Leia,

Da da da daaaaaaa.

Da da Han Soloooo,

Chewie Chewbaca,

Da da da Vader,

Da da da daaaaaa.

And you liked it and now I’m gonna have to sing that shit every night for the next three weeks until you ask me for a song about turtles or boo-boos or some other random thing and I’m gonna have to make up another stupid-ass song.

But let’s get back to the subject at hand. You’re thirsty. I get it. You’ve been screaming it for like one-hundred minutes now. Not really 100, but it feels like that. And guess what I feel like. An asshole. I mean who doesn’t give their kid water when they’re thirsty? Ummm, Mrs. Hannigan. Or maybe someone who lives in the middle of the desert and doesn’t have any. But that’s about it. Yeah, you pretty much have to be a total asshole NOT to give your thirsty kid water.

And I could march up there right now with a tiny cup and give you a sip and then you’d stop screaming and this would all be over, but then guess what’s gonna happen. You’re going to come out of your room again in a few minutes asking for something else. A book, a story, a song, someone to tuck you in again, a hug (which I might add is the one that makes you feel like the biggest asshole of all because your kid is like “I just want one hug” and you are like “I will not give you a hug!!!”), a stuffed animal, a potty break, or some other thing you’re gonna say you need.

So I’m taking a stand. You are NOT getting any water, damn it. You can stand up there for as long as you want calling my name, but the next drink I’m gonna give you is gonna be the cup of milk you get tomorrow morning with your oatmeal. Capisce?

I’m gonna take it from your screaming that you do not capisce.

Alrighty then. Goodnight. Or rather Badnight.


The very mean mommy who won’t give her kid a cup of water because he just had one FIVE MINUTES AGO

P.S. Can you please keep it down because we’re trying to watch Bachelor in Paradise and it’s hard to hear these idiots over your yelling.

P.P.S. Don't forget to check out (and by check out I mean buy) my book I Heart My Little A-Holes? It'll make you laugh like a crazy person so be careful where you read it because you don't want them to take you away in a straight jacket to a nice, quiet, padded cell where you'll have to live for a few weeks. Wait, that sounds kinda nice.


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