What I’m gonna do the millisecond my kids go back to school

1. I’m going to shed a tear. A tear of joy. Thank God a little salt never ruined a glass of champagne.

2. I’m going to sit down on my couch and stare off into space in complete silence for at least fifteen minutes. Nahhh, not because I have a shitload of time and nothing to do. Just because I can.

3. I'm going to take the longest shower in all of history. Seriously, if you live in my town and want to shower that day, do it early because I plan on draining the whole damn water tower.

4. I’m going to run into Starbucks without dragging some rugrat with me who’s gonna put his mouth on every cup they have for sale and rearrange every stupid sign in the refrigerator so I have to hear shit like, “WTF lady, control your kid, I accidentally grabbed a Greek yogurt because the sign said it was an egg salad sandwich.”

5. And then when “my coffee kicks in” I’m going back home to sit on the shitter until I have ring around the tushie. I don’t care if the poop slides out in the first sixty seconds. I will sit there with every People magazine from the past three months and absorb every damn word. Yup, even the stupid letters to the editor no one ever reads.

6. I am going to the grocery store alllllll ALONE, where I’m NOT going to have a panic attack when I accidentally walk down the candy aisle. And then I’m going to spend as much time as I want in the freezer section without some douchenugget constantly bitching that they’re freezing to death.

7. I am going to bump into as many friends as possible throughout the day and we are going to have long leisurely talks without my rugrats pulling on my hem whining, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.” If necessary, I will literally stand on my friends' feet to keep them talking to me until I deem the conversation is long enough.

8. I am never going to have to raise my voice or repeat myself all day long. Seriously, if you can’t hear me, just nod your head or go get an F’ing hearing aid.

9. I am going to Target where the angels will sing as I spend hours and hours shopping without the constant fear that someone is going to throw themselves to the floor in a pile of tears and snot because I said, “Just one more thing” just one too many times.

10. I am going to the bathroom at Target to poop alone AGAIN. Not because I have to. Just because I can.

11. I am going to the post office, the dry cleaners, the hardware store, 7/11, the bank, Walgreens, and every other store that takes like two seconds to run into but you still have to unbuckle your kids and schlep them in there because if you leave them in the car some butt monkey’s gonna come along and call the cops or kidnap them.

12. I am going to be the first person in the pickup line after school. No, not because I’m excited to get there. Just because I’m used to it taking like 9,000 minutes to go anywhere when I have my rugrats.

CHICAGO TRIBUNE VIDEO

Leave a comment