Thirty-one ways being a mom is like being in prison

  1. You never get to poop alone
  2. Conjugal visits are few and far between
  3. Someone is ALWAYS watching you
  4. You pretty much wear the same thing every day
  5. You wash other people’s dirty clothes all day long
  6. You are surrounded by crazy people
  7. Sometimes you think YOU are going crazy
  8. You’re often subjected to unexpected pat downs
  9. You never get to sleep alone
  10. It's not unusual to hear screaming and/or crying in the middle of the night
  11. Someone dictates when you wake up every morning
  12. You’ve lowered your standards bigtime when it comes to food
  13. Your showers have to be fast and furious
  14. There are never enough toilets for everyone
  15. Someone else decides what you watch on TV
  16. You often stare out the window longing to be somewhere else
  17. Some asshole thinks s/he’s in charge
  18. Visitors don’t really understand what you’re going through
  19. You don’t really know what’s going on in the outside world
  20. You often stare inappropriately at other people’s butts
  21. You really look forward to getting the mail
  22. You don’t get to wear makeup anymore
  23. People do gross things like smear poop on the walls
  24. You often count down the number of years you have left
  25. You’re constantly walking on eggshells trying not to piss anyone off
  26. You’ve stopped caring about what you look like
  27. You worry about someone getting hold of a sharp object
  28. You find yourself guarding your genitals a lot
  29. You’re constantly bartering to get what you want
  30. You’re coming to terms with being someone else’s bitch
  31. You often wonder how you got yourself into this mess

Hey hey heyyy, check this out. If you're in the Chicago area on July 22, I'll be doing a hilarious talk for new moms and pregnant moms about the REAL truths of parenting and how rewarding, unrewarding, torturous, messy, wonderful and crazy it really is.

Get your tickets now and come smell me in person!

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And for more pee-in-your-pants laughter, please check out my hilarious book:

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Tags: inmate, motherhood, prison

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