Ten MORE things I really F'ing want for Mother's Day (and how I'm gonna get'm this year)

1. I want breakfast in bed. I’m gonna leave a pop tart on my nightstand the night before to make sure this happens.

2. I don’t want to yell at a single person alllll day long. I will constantly have a mimosa attached to my mouth so I won't be able to. It's not happy hour on Mother's Day. It's happy hours.

3. I don’t want to keep anyone company in the bathroom while they're taking the longest poop in all of history. I will duct tape all orifices shut before the day begins. Duct tape really can fix anything!

4. I want the beautiful necklace that I pointed out to my husband in the jewelry store window but I'm sure he didn't notice. All sixteen times. I will buy it, wrap it, and pop a post it note on it that says “give this to your wife.”

5. I don’t want to hear Caillou’s whiny-ass voice. I don’t want to do the hotdog dance. I don’t want to watch Frozen for the 9 millionth time. I will tune in to TLC or Bravo and then accidentally leave the remote in the vegetable drawer. Where it will NEVER be found.

6. I don’t JUST want my husband to take care of the kiddos on Mother's Day. I want him to take care of them when they’re at their absolute worst so he gets a taste of the shit I go through. Before I head out in the morning, I will give the kids a shot of espresso and a puppy. And then fifteen seconds later I will take the puppy away. Adios a-holios!

7. I want to take a long leisurely bath alllllll by myself. I will pop by my friend's place and ask if I can borrow her bathroom. I just I won’t say what for.

FRIEND: Knock knock, you okay?

ME: Don't come in, I'm naked!


8. I want to eat an entire meal in peace. I will tell my family to meet me at a nice chain restaurant. Then I will “accidentally” drive to the wrong location.

9. I want a full eight hours of awesome uninterrupted sleep that night. Before I go to bed I will make sure this happens by popping a set of earplugs in my ears and a rufie in my drink. See ya on the flip side suckers.

10. I want the same thing I asked for last year. Ten “Leave me the fuck alone coupons” with no expiration date. I'm heading to Michaels today to buy the art supplies I need to make them.

If you're looking for an awesome Mother's Day gift for someone, you should get them #10 for sure AND my New York Times Bestselling book.


Here are a bunch of places you can find it. There are other places too but I'm too lazy to put them all here.

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