Earth Day is just permission to do a bunch of awesome shit you can't ordinarily do

Hells yeah, it’s Earth Day!! And Mother Earth is a mom just like me, so I’m gonna treat her right today. Nahhhh, you don’t have to use the Diva Cup and reusable maxi pads and grow your own organic fruit in the backyard to be a crunchily awesome granola-head today. Here are some things you can do to protect our beeeeeautiful planet.

1. Today is officially a MNSD (Must NOT Shower Day). That’s right, strap that greasy mess into a ponytail and if someone gives you a dirty look, you just say, “Oh yeahhh, I look like crap because I saved water this morning. WTF did you do, Mrs. Prissy McPerfect?

2. And speaking of saving water do not, I repeat, DO NOT wash a single dish today. As an added bonus your kitchen sink just became a super fun game of Jenga! Build that dish tower as high as you can and look at it with pride.

3. The longer you stay in bed this morning, the better! And when your kid yells, “MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYY,” you just calmly yell back, “Not yet, buddy, I’m saving energy.” Plus, you’re not turning the lights on. Slap a gold sticker on each boob ‘cause you’re a double Earth Day rock star!

4. When your kid draws a line on a piece of construction paper today and says it’s a snake, you just toss that shitty drawing straight into the recycling bin. Recycle recycle recycle! It’s your duty. Tee hee hee, I said duty.

5. Eat granola bars. Preferably the kind with chocolate chips.

6. And here’s what you can say after school today. “Awwww shucks, sorry kiddos, I can’t schlep you to alllllll of your activities today. Unless we can get there by bike, we ain’t goin’. I’ll just lie on this lounge chair and watch you play nicely in the backyard, k?”

7. 409, Windex, Comet, Tide, do you know what all these are? Harsh chemicals. So for the next 24 hours (or however much time is left in the day ‘cause I’m too lazy to do the math) DO NOT clean a thing. Unless you can just wipe it with a damp sponge. Wait, no, that’s using water, so nope. No cleaning whatsoever.

8. And last but not least, in the name of Mother Earth, today you will become a human vacuum. Sandwich crusts, leftover French fries, chips, chicken nuggets, birthday cake, etc etc etc. Whatever is left over on your kiddo’s plate must be devoured ASAP. It would be wasteful not to.

Happy Earth Day, Mother Earth. We love you!!!

If you think I'm kinda sorta funny and my mom didn't pay you to think that, check out my high-larious book I Heart My Little A-Holes, sold in all of these fine establishments:

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