Okay, so yesterday I was walking through the mall and I came across this beauty (sarcastic font not available). What the F are we teaching our kids by putting a poster like this in the front window? I’m sure you know what store it is, but I’m blurring out the name because hell if I’m giving them any free advertising for their shitty advertising. So I’ve found seven things wrong with this picture. Can you guess all of them? Here goes.
1. WTF? In just a few years, I’m going to start attempting to teach my kiddos that they are TOO YOUNG to have sex and to try their very best to save themselves ‘til they’re a little older. So F this store for ramming sex down our kids’ throats and making it look all cool. Seriously, if the CMO were standing in front of me right now, I would kick his gonads right off him and then I would pick them up off the floor and I would go find the nearest wood chipper and I would make him watch while I throw them into it.
2. Is this really what we want to be teaching our teenagers to do? To have ménage a troises (that’s supposed to be plural but I have no F’ing clue how to make “trois” plural)? Hey kiddos, don’t just have sex. Go have sex with multiple people at the same time. And why stop there? Why not have a whole orgy?! Way to teach our boys how to commit.
3. Yo teenage boys, here’s the problem with doing this with not one, but TWO girls at the same time. Remember that whole “don’t get a girl pregnant” thing you’ve heard about? When you do it with TWO girls you can get TWO girls preggers. Like TWO babies due on the same day. Happy Father’s Day Happy Father’s Day Happy, only it’s not F’ing happy at all. It SUCKS ASSSSSS! And not the good kind of sucking ass you probably did to get yourself in this situation.
4. And yo girls in the picture, I can see you’re in the ocean right now, which is totally appropriate. Because a guy like this who’s “doing it” with lots of girls probably has lots of awesome shit like crabs, and since you're in the water they can swim right over to your vajayjays. Perfect.
5. Look at the type on the picture. The Making of a Star? Seriously? Here are some titles I think would be more appropriate:
The Making of an Asshole
The Making of Two Slutbags
The Making of a Baby
The Making of Disgusting Locker Room Talk
The Making of an Itchy Vajayjay
6. Awww shit, wait wait, I stand corrected. Since both of these girls look to be about 80 pounds soaking wet, maybe two of them add up to one girl together. So technically maybe this isn’t a ménage after all. My bad.
7. See how the one on the right is all smiley and happy right now? What I’d really like to see is a sequel poster with the two girls in a catfight the next day because they both like the same guy, and he said “I love you” while they were messing around and now they’re fighting over who he was saying it to, when really he was saying “I love you” to himself because he thinks he’s God’s gift to the world.
So there you go. I know most of you reading this don’t have kids who are old enough to shop at this store yet, but how about this? How about we all agree that in ten years when our kiddos are old enough we forbid them to shop there? Wait, no, that probably won’t work. That’ll just backfire. Instead, let’s teach them to be awesome, confident, self-assured teenagers, and they'll be too smart to shop there. Shit, that probably won’t work either. Ooh ooh, wait, I’ve got it! Yo kiddo, I’ll give you twice as much shopping money if you only shop in other more appropriate stores, and furthermore, if I find labels from Ménage a Trois store when I’m doing your laundry, you can do your own laundry from now on, OR I’m happy to keep doing it but don’t get mad if I accidentally throw some dye and a spiky ball into the washing machine too. Whoopsies!
Please buy my hilarious book I Heart My Little A-Holes and if it becomes as popular as The Hunger Games or 50 Shades of Gray, I will buy this awful store and start putting all the models in "Little House on the Prairie" dresses. Here are some places you can buy it.