My humble opinion of why some children’s books are totally awesome and some of them SUCCCCK

1. Curious George

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Okay, can we all agree that as cute as this rascally monkey is, he sucks? I mean every time I read a Curious George book I’m like WTF? The only reason George saved the world and the president is giving him a giant key is because George is the one who snuck into the Oval Office in the first place and pushed the red button just to see what would happen. Sorry, Putin, it was our stupid monkey again. And yo, Man with the Yellow Hat, A. Did you seriously go over to Africa and kidnap a monkey and bring him back to America (hellllllo, does this sound like totally wrong to anyone else??)? And B. WTF is your real name anyway? Man with the Yellow Hat is not a name. And if it is, from now on I’m gonna be known as Woman with the Black Yoga Pants.

2. Good Night Gorilla

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Okay, this book falls into the totally awesome category and here’s why. It has 47 words. 47 words in THE WHOLLLLLE BOOK!!! So when my kiddo is on the verge of losing his shit because he’s demanding ONNNNNE MORRRRRRE BOOOOOOK but my glass of wine is getting cold downstairs, I can read this thing in like 60 seconds.  Plus it has lots of talk bubbles and I can make funny voices if I’m a little buzzed after dinner.

3. Love You Forever

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Okay, I know a bunch of people might think this book is super sweet, and they're entitled to their opinion and all, but you know what? They are WRONG. This book is scary as shit. Ummmm, what kind of mother drives over to her grown son’s house and secretly climbs in his window and crawls across his floor to rock an ADULT in the middle of the night? I’ll tell you what kind. The shittiest Mother-In-Law EVERRRRRRR. Remember the guy in Psycho who kept his dead mother in a rocking chair? That is the kind of relationship I'm seeing here. Reeh reeh reeh reeh. FYI, that’s the sound of the main character stabbing his wife over and over again in the shower one day because while his mother was rocking him, she was whispering in his ear, “kill her, kill her.”

4. Where the Wild Things Are

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Maurice Sendak is some kind of mad genius. Like for one, he divides up one single sentence over many pages and there are even some pages without any words at all. BRILLIANT!!! But really it’s the plot that makes this book so awesome. It’s about a kid named Max whose mom is totally badass and lets him wear what he wants like a wolf suit, but as soon as he starts torturing small animals she's like F that shit, go to your room, so he leaves to hang out with some bullies, but quickly realizes they are a-holes and that the most badass person he knows is his mom so he says see ya and goes back to her. Yeah, of course your supper was still hot, kiddo. Because your mom rocks the casbahhhhh!!!

5. Harold and the Purple Crayon AND The Snowy Day

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Duh, of course I know these books have nothing to do with each other, but I’m lumping them together because I like them for the same reason. Both stories are about awesome boys who go out all alone and take care of themselves and have great imaginations and don’t ask their moms for too much help. I mean, yeah, I’m not too psyched about a kid who draws all over the place with a purple crayon, but at least he’s drawing on air. And yo, Snowy Day kid, hells yeah for being the only kid in the WHOLLLLLLE wide world who doesn’t have to pee the second he gets his snowsuit on.

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

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This book makes me hungry so I don’t like it.

7. The Cat in the Hat

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Basically the lesson here is to let a complete stranger into your house who’s totally naked except for a hat and a bowtie and let him play games with you and then don’t tell your mom about it. WTF? Oh yeah, and you don’t have to clean up jack shit when you’re done playing because he’s going to come back with some magic machine that cleans it all up. Wanna know what that magic cleaning machine is, kids? It’s called your mom. Yes, when you wake up in the morning and the house doesn't look like a thousand tornados ripped it apart, it's because after you went to bed last night WE picked up alllllll your shit. The only thing that would have redeemed this book is if that annoying pet fish died. But he didn’t.

8. Pat the Bunny

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I can’t even get past the title without giggling. What’s the sequel? Stroke the pussy?

9. Where is Baby’s Bellybutton? A lift-the-flap-book

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A lift-the-flap-book-my-ass. More like rip-the-flap-off-this-book-and-shove-it-in-your-mouth-until-it’s-a-slobbery-mess-of-pulp. Where is baby’s bellybutton? It’s that wet soggy mess in the baby’s fist that she's about to choke on and now the book doesn’t make sense anymore.

10.  Goodnight Moon

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There are soooooo many reasons why this book is awesome. I just can’t think of any. Hmmm, wait, oh yeah, many of the pages only have two words on them. Plus, I’ve read it sooooo many times I know it by heart and now I can read it without even concentrating on the words so I can think about other shit that’s more important, like Channing Tatum and Girl Scout Cookies. Or Channing Tatum feeding me Girl Scout Cookies. Dear lord is it getting hot in here?

11. Go the F*CK to Sleep

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Best. Book. Ever. You know, after the Bible.

12. I Heart My Little A-Holes

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Second. Best. Book. Ever. You know after the Bible and Go the F*CK to Sleep. And pretty much anything Jane Austen ever wrote. And Tina Fey. And Salinger. And John Irving. And a bunch of other shit I once read or pretended to read. Fine, whatever. Five-hundred-eighty-seventh best book ever. Not to shabby.

And guess what, the 587th best book ever CAME OUT TODAYYYYYYY!!!!!! If you want to buy it (YOU DO, YOU DO!!), here are a bunch of places that sell it: AmazonBarnes & NobleBooksAMillion, and IndieBound. Thank you sooo much!!!

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