Ten things I wish someone told me BEFORE I had my first baby

1. Sleep now. Like seriously, I don't care if you only two months preggers, go lie down in bed right now and don't get up until you feel contractions. Because as soon as little Miss Poopie Pants arrives, you might not get 8 straight hours of sleep for like, hmmm, I don’t know, maybe forever.

2. Breastfeeding sucks. No pun intended. Eventually it’s pretty amazing so hang in there, but for most mommies the first week or so feels like someone put giant bloodsucking leeches with vampire teeth on your nipples. Yes, even if you’re doing it right.

3. Okay, so you have your old jeans (that you may never fit in again) and you have your maternity pants (that will be perfect for Thanksgiving dinners). Now go buy a pair in between. Because even though the baby comes out right away, a bunch of other shit doesn’t.

4. When someone offers you unsolicited parenting advice, just nod your head and put on your best fake I’m-listening-to-you face. And then just think about chocolate or something else that makes you happy. This will help unspeakable amounts.

5. From this point forward, don’t buy anything new. ANYTHING. Because everything you own is about to be ruined. If you buy it, they will come… and poop on it, or bite it, or color on it, or scrape it, or kick it, or sit on it, or bang it, or drop it in the toilet, probably after you went but before you flushed.

6. Find a pediatrician you like. Because not only will you have to see this person like a million times this year, you will have to ask her embarrassing questions like is it okay that his penis has a lot of extra skin and should I bring her to the ER if her poop is purple?

7. Don’t go childproof your whole house yet. Newborns are basically blobs that do nothing. And if you childproof everything now, every single child latch will break by the time she's old enough to reach the drawer with the knives.

8. If you feel like you need to cry, just cry. Don’t hold it in. Every new mom feels this way at some point. And as weird as it sounds, sometimes it takes a good cry to stop crying.

9. Many things on your body are not going to be the way they were. I don’t care how many perfect-looking mommies you’ve seen in People magazine, things change after you give birth. And it’s totally okay to hate your new belly or your new nipples or your new bladder. You can HATE your new body, as long as you still LOVE yourself.

10. Congratulations!!!! You’re about to be a mommy and it’s going to be the most amazing, torturous, awesome, horrible, incredible, challenging, wonderful, vomit-inducing, life-changing time of your life. And you're gonna do a kickass job, even when you feel like you're not.

If you want to hear more honest stories about what it’s REALLY like to be a parent (you do! you do!), pre-order my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. Here are some links where you can get it: AmazonBarnes & NobleBooksAMillion, and IndieBound. Thank youuuu!!!

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