Dear Schmoopie Woopie,
I love you. I mean I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVE you. Like when you kiss me I still get those butterflies in my belly, and when you wash that pot that’s been “soaking” in the sink for 48 hours I get weak in the knees. But here’s the thing, I would really really be appreciative (yes, THAT kind of appreciative) if you would stop doing a few annoying things:
1. Stop asking me stupid shit. I’m not saying you’re stupid. In fact, I’m saying your pretty F’ing intelligent, so stop asking me stupid shit like do we have more milk? Ummmm, hello brainiac, open the fridge and look. Heyyyy, look at that, milk! Who’da thunk it’d be in the fridge?!
2. Step one: Take off your dirty clothes.
Step two: Say something cheesy like, “Holy crap, there’s a hot naked guy in this mirror!”
Step three: Throw your dirty clothes in the hamper. Not ON the hamper. IN the hamper. I mean seriously, is it seriously that hard to pick up the lid? It weighs less than the beer you pick up every night.
3. You know what drives me BONNNNNNKERS?! When I’m literally unpacking the bags of groceries I just bought and you say something like oh yeah, we ran out of apple juice this morning. I’m like WTF WTF WTF??? “Why didn’t you write it on the list?!” So whatta you do? You walk over to the list and write apple juice on it. My nice, clean list that has nothing on it because I JUST WENT SHOPPING!!!
4. Okay, so when I offer to wash the dishes after dinner, here’s what I want you to do. Don’t help me. Don’t hang out in the kitchen. Don’t “keep me company.” Scoop up the kiddos and get the F out of the kitchen. And don’t feel guilty about it. Because when I say I WANT to wash the dishes, what I’m really saying is that I’ll stand at the sink and scrub dried cheese off plates if that’s what it takes to be completely alone with a glass of vino. Capeesh?
4B. And if you accidentally forget #4, please don’t come up behind me at the sink and try to put your you-know-what in my badonkadonk. Yeah, I’m psyched you still think I’m sexy, but the kids are still awake right now and probably doing something annoying like drawing on my walls or bursting my eardrums, so the last thing I want to do at the moment is procreate.
5. ME: Can we throw that shirt out, pleeeeease? Look at the pit stains.
YOU: Are you kidding? I’ve had this shirt since high school!
Bwhahahahha, I think it’s F’ing HYSTERICAL that you think this is a selling point. Ohhh yeah, how could you ever throw out a shirt that you’ve been sweating in for 22 years?
No, I guess you’re right. Technically it hasn’t run out if there’s still one sheet left.
7. Honey, you know we’re getting off at the next exit, right? Honey, we need to get off at the next exit. Honey, our exit is in ¼ of a mile. HONEY, GET THE F OVER NOWWWWW BECAUSE IF YOU WAIT WE’RE EITHER GOING TO MISS OUR EXIT OR WE’RE GOING TO HIT THAT GIANT 18-WHEELER AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! So whether I’m saying these things in my head or whether I can’t help myself and I’m saying them out loud, WHYYYY??? WHY do you insist on driving in the left hand lane until like a split second before we need to get off the highway? We’re either going to die when we slam into a giant Mack truck or I’m going to die from an F’ing heart attack.
8. If you are wearing black pants, don’t wear brown shoes. If you are wearing brown pants, don’t wear black shoes. If you are wearing black socks, make sure they are the same black. Holes in old boxer shorts do not make you comfy, they make you an exhibitionist. Holes in old jeans do not make you comfy, they make you look like you traveled here in a time machine from the 1980’s. Oh and please, whatever you do, do NOT wear that braided navy, maroon and tan belt anymore. You’re lucky I don’t know where you got it because I’m not a violent person, but if I knew I would go there and hunt down and brutally murder the person who sold it to you.
So there you go. And I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna say that I do some annoying crap too. Like my nagging. Well, if I’m nagging, it means you’re doing something wrong. Like something on this list. So stop doing something wrong, and I’ll stop nagging you. Easy peasy.
Your honey bunny
If you thought this was kinda sorta funny, you might like my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. You can order it at these fine establishments: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, and IndieBound. Thank youuuu!!!
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