Awwww shit, I totally feel like the shittiest mom on the planet right now. So I'm talking to my friend the other day and she's like my kids love the elf on the shelf sooooo much, I made a cupid on the shelf for the month leading up to Valentine's Day. I smiled nicely and nodded my head like yeah don't we all do awesome shit like this, when really in my head I was thinking, SAY WHAT?!!! I haven't even thought about V-Day yet, much less a month in advance. You know what I'm doing on January 14th? I'm still sitting there trying to rip open one of the toy packages from Christmas morning because I'm too lazy to go get the stupid scissors. So there ain't no way I'm thinking about V-Day yet.
And then yesterday my totally badass awesome neighbor called to see if she could come over to borrow a heart-shaped cookie cutter (which I can’t believe I even own), and I was like are you making cookies, and she was like, no I want to make heart-shaped pancakes for the kids in the morning. WTF? Seriously? I must be like the worst mom on earth. Because you know what I got for my kids for V-Day? NOTHING. I’m like okay, we have to wear red or pink today. That’s the extent of celebrating in our house because I’m too busy doing other shit like making lunch and doing laundry and waxing my mustache.
Anyways, the guilt was eating me up this morning, so I caved and made this disgusting concoction.
ME: Alakazoo, alakazilk, turn all of this liquid into pink milk!
BAM, take that kickass neighbor! F your heart-shaped pancakes. Your kids think you can cook, but my kids think I’m magic. Harry Potter ain’t got nuthin’ on me. Never mind the fact that I was running around like a maniac anytime it spilled even the tiniest drop because pink food-coloring stains like permanently.
Mom fail or Mom of the year, you decide.