Okay, so hindsight is 20/20 and I really should have waited to potty train Holden because A. Diapers are like totally easy, especially if you’re like me and don’t really give a crap whether your kiddo marinates in pee-pee for a little while. And B. Potty training takes like a boatload of work and totally SUCKKKKKKKS ASSSSSS. But alas, I wasn’t thinking (translation: I was probably a little buzzed) and the other day I decided to start potty training him.
Let the potty training begin! And now let it end. Ummmm yeah kiddo, now that you’ve peed on my couch, my bed, the chair, the rug, the floor, your sister’s leg etc. let’s put the dipe dipe back on and try this again in a couple of months.
HOLDEN: No way, ho zay. I’m never wearing a diaper ever again. EVERRRR!!!
Awwwww shit, there’s no going back. Fine, let’s do this thing. And so began the past few days of potty training fun. And by fun I mean hell. And not the good kind of hell where we drink margaritas and get tan. So here are 11 things that have happened in the past three days that make potty training kind of hilarious, but not if you’re the one going through it:
HOLDEN: My belly hurts.
ME: Maybe you have to poop.
Yeah, as a mom pooping is like my answer to everything.
ZOEY: My elbow hurts.
ME: Maybe you have to poop.
But this time I’m like totally sure it’s because he has to poop because he hasn’t in like 96 hours because he’s scared shitless of pooping on the potty. Literally. I have no idea how he can do this. The second I have to poop I’m running with a turtlehead to the closest toilet, but somehow this little tiny being who has like the smallest body ever can hold in four days worth of poop. How??? Where???!!!
2. Okay, I’ve potty-trained one kid so I’m not like a total novice, but this time it’s a little different. Why? I call it the penis. Yeah, this is an appendage I know nothing about. I mean my rug rat sits on the potty and floooop, the penis pops up and if he pees right now it’s totally going to create a little rainbow of urine straight up and onto the floor. I’m like push your penis down, push your penis down, push your penis down over and over again which just seems wrong, especially when we’re in the women’s restroom and someone else can hear me.
3. And then when Holden is successful (all two times) we are supposed to act like it’s the best thing on earth and celebrate like he has won the F’ing Super Bowl. But instead of doing the touchdown dance, we do the potty dance. Seriously, we jump and dance around while singing:
Everyone’s doin’ the potty dance!
The potty dance is cool!
The potty dance is fun!
We are doin’ the potty dance 'cause he went #1!
It’s like the dorkiest thing you've ever seen and the whole family does it and if anyone ever sees us doing this I might have to kill myself. If I didn't immediately die of embarrassment already.
4. So the potty training guide I’ve been reading says you’re supposed to stay home and not go anywhere at all for three days while you’re training your kiddo. WHATTT?! THREE DAYYYYS!!! Are you kidding me?! I think I would literally need to be strapped in a straight jacket and hauled off to a padded cell if I tried to stay home with my kids for three straight days. I mean there were like crazy blizzards going on with sub zero temperatures and I was still schlepping my kids to Tarjay and the Starbucks drive-thru because I couldn’t handle another minute trapped in our house.
5. So now that I’ve decided there’s no way in hell we can survive if we try to stay at home for three days…
ME: Holden, let’s put a diaper on so we can go out.
HOLDEN: No diaper.
ME: (chipper) Yup, we need a diaper. We’re only potty-training at home kiddo.
HOLDEN: (Read with a Cujo voice) NOOOOOO DIAPERRRRRRRR!!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, parents all over the world, may I present to you the pee-pee towel!! The little towel you put under his tush in the car so when he pees it doesn’t get allllll over the car seat because cleaning the car seat cover is like the biggest pain in the ass ever.
6. So the other day Holden went pee-pee on the potty (everyone’s doin’ the potty dance).
ME: Holden, why aren’t you doing the potty dance?
HOLDEN: I have to put my forehead on the floor.
ME: Say what?
HOLDEN: Like Zoey.
Ahhhh yes, just the way your sister does when she jumps off the potty and sticks her ass up in the air and yells, “MOMMMMMMYY, WIIIIIIIIIPE MEEEEE!”
ME: Ummmm, that’s only if you poop, Holden. And maybe we won’t start the downward dog wiping position with you. Maybe we’ll do something different. I don’t know what the Lotus position is, but it sounds nice, right?
7. Okay, so I NEVER want my kiddo to be a stripper, but I kinda do. Why? Because when he says I have to pee-pee and I’m sprinting like a maniac to get him to the toilet and yank his pants down before he pees all over them, those Velcro clothes that strippers rip off so quickly would be oh so helpful. Oh m'gosh, Oshkosh B'Gosh, I see a golden opportunity for you.
8. So I have this weird theory that if Holden sees some of his poop in the potty and that it doesn’t hurt, that maybe he won’t be scared to poop on the potty anymore. So the other day when he pooped in his underwear and some of it was still clinging to his leg, I put him on the potty and then I shook him. I am not proud of this. Yeah, they teach you to never shake a baby, but apparently if poop is clinging to a toddler you jiggle him as much as you can until that little dingleberry plops into the potty. “Yayyyyyyy Holden, you POOPED in the potty!!!!!” Even though he didn’t really. Oh, and my theory was wrong because the next time he pooped he laid a ginormous log in the middle of his sister’s room. Awesome.
9. Awwww shit, Holden has figured out the secret password. ‘Cause at 3 A.M. when we’re trying to let him cry it out, now he just starts yelling “MOMMMMYYY, DADDDDY, I HAVE TO POOP!” and one of us has to come running because we're potty training. And then the second we get in there he’s like my blankie fell off. Grrrrrrr.
10. Okay, so here’s something I don’t understand. I put him on the potty and read him like 9 books and the kid never poops. And then I take him off and he’s playing and I leave the room for like half a second and I come back and what is lying (laying????) in the middle of the floor? A big ole giant steaming turd. I mean how is it even possible to poop that quickly? If my husband did that it would take him 90 minutes in the bathroom.
11. I’m starting to wonder whether maybe my son can’t poop sitting down. Is that possible? Like he’s been pooping standing up alllll his life (all two years of it) so maybe he physically can’t poop while he's sitting on a potty. Yes, these are the kind of irrational things that go through your head when you’re a mom who’s potty training. These and thoughts of buying a plane ticket and flying far far away and never coming back.