How to be the perfect housewife without doing much at all

How to be the perfect housewife without doing much at all

Holy crap, have you ever seen this shit? How to be a good housewife in the 1950’s. Cracks my ass up every time. Well, part of it cracks me up and part of it makes me cry inside for these poor mommies who were expected to be perfect and make crap like Jell-O molds and hams decorated with pineapples and maraschino cherries while their perfect little angels played tiddlywinks (whatever the F that is). And I know there are soooo many poor mommies out there today who still feel the need to be perfect because jackasses tell them they should be muffin-topless three days after pushing babies out their hoo-has, and that they should write F’ing Shakespeare love sonnets on their kids’ napkins for lunch.

Anyways, I started thinking about it the other day, and shit, you know what? I decided they’re right. It’s not F’ing brain surgery. It’s housewifery. And damn straight, we can ALLLLL be perfect at it.

So here goes. I’ve come up with a little list to help you (and me!!!) be perfect housewives in 2014:

1. Awww shit, I don’t know about you but I’m like 15 pounds heavier than I was before the rug rats. My first inclination was to kick my kid’s ass for doing this to me. But then I thought of the perfect cure. Step one, go to your refrigerator and take out a carton of eggs or a raw chicken. Either will do. Step two, lick the shit out of it. Mmmmm, salmonella here you come! A few days of sitting on the toilet with a trashcan held up to your face because you’re projectile-vomiting is exactly what you need. You’ll be back to your pre-baby weight in no time.

2. Preparing a drink for when your husband walks in the door after a long day of work is essential to a healthy marriage. So when hubby is about to come home, go to your bar and mix up a big-ass drink. Damn that looks good. Okay, now down that sucker right before he walks in the door and you'll be happy as a clam as you zone out while he tells you all about his day. Plus you'll be so relaxed, you won’t bitch about yours.

3. Feeding your kiddos doesn’t have to be a chore. Here's a nifty trick to keep them well-fed and happy. Just take the cushions off the couch and you've got yourself an instant sofa buffet. Lost Cheerios, broken graham crackers, squashed raisins, random pieces of God-knows-what. Mmmmmmm, like an instant trough in the living room. Bonus idea: if you’ve recently served your sofa buffet and it's empty, you can also tell the kids there’s a snack at the bottom of the toy box. Let’s just pray the raisin little Timmy just ate was really a raisin.

4. Oh for F’s sake, how the hell do you wrap a birthday present that’s the shape of a trapezoid? I mean Muffy McPerfect Mommy wraps hers so well the striped wrapping paper even lines up. Bingo, there’s your answer! Just steal Muffy’s! Before your kiddo unwraps her birthday party presents this year, steal the ones that look beautiful and hide them in your closet. Voila! You have wrapped gifts for the rest of this years birthday parties! Plus, that’s recycling so you’re being green.

5. You owe it to your husband to look as good as you did the day you married him. Which makes weekly facials a must. What, you don't have time for facials?! Or the money? Sure you do. Just run the dishwasher, and the moment it's done open that sucker up and lean down into it. Ahhhh, feel that hot steam just opening up your pores. Your skin will glow like you're preggers again without the hormonal acne.

6. Oh, and here’s little something to get rid of those pesky bags beneath your eyes. Nahhh, not cucumber slices. Hide and go seek. I shit you not. This is the best way to get some much-needed beauty rest. When it’s your turn to hide, just find a nice dark closet where they’ll never find you. I recommend preparing it ahead of time with some blankets and a pillow.

KIDS: Ready or not here we come!

YOU: Ready or not, good F’ing luck. Zzzzzzzz.

7. And speaking of sleep, or rather of horizontal activities, here’s a doozy (doozie???). Never ever ever say no to your hubby when he asks you for sex. Saying no will make him think you aren't interested in him anymore and make his eye wander. So here’s what to do instead. When you are ovulating buy a bunch of ovulation tests and take them. Then stash the positive sticks away in a secret drawer. That way when you are not in the mood, just leave a test out on the counter or face-up in the trashcan where he will “accidentally” see it. Bada bing bada boom, he will avoid your fertile hoo-ha like the plague.

8. Another part of being the perfect housewife is having perfect skin, but who the hell has time to exfoliate? I'll tell you who. YOU DO!!! Just make it a Shake ‘N Bake night and when your hands are covered in parmesan herby breadcrumbs just scrub scrub scrub and wash those dead skin cells straight down the garbage disposal. Plus, you’ll smell so tasty afterwards, he’ll want to eat you right up! Garnier, you ain’t got nothin’ on Shake ‘N Bake.

9. Shit Fuck Hell Damn Suck my Cock sucker Holy Twat Knuckles! This is what I scream when I step on a stupid Lego with my bare feet. Of course sometimes I vary it up a little. Holy Twat Knuckles Hell Damn Shit Fuck Suck my Cock Sucker. But keeping a tidy house helps prevent this type of vulgar language. So whenever you’re on your way into the kitchen, just scoop up as many toys off the floor as you can and toss them into the trashcan. And if the kids are watching, just point out the window and say something like “Look, it’s Mickey Mouse!” and while they’re looking you can toss the toys without them seeing.

10. When it’s your job to put dinner on the table, a crock-pot is your BFF. And not the kind that slept with the cute guy you “called dibs on” at the local bar. But I digress. Cooking a homemade meal that’ll impress the hell out of your family is really very easy. Here’s what you do. Just grab four Lean Cuisines from the freezer, open those suckers up and dump them into your crock-pot. Voila! Just make sure to clean all the pots and pans before hubby gets home. And by clean the pots and pans I mean sit back with a glass of vino and watch dinner cook itself.

If you liked reading this post, you'd probably like to read my New York Times Bestselling book. Pre-order it right now so you can be one of the first to laugh your ass off when it comes out again in April. And it's a nice (but inexpensive!!) hardcover so it's the perfect gift to buy other awesome moms for baby showers and Mother's Day!


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