Holy moly, I just figured out why four-year-olds are the way they are

So the other day my four-year-old was being like so incredibly awful that I started to wonder what to do. I was about to post this question on my mom’s Facebook group:

Has anyone used a good exorcist around here that you would recommend?

But then like two seconds later she was hugging me and rubbing up against my leg like a cat and saying I love you, Mommy. WTH is going on here? Who are you and what have you done with my child? Anyways, it made me wonder and start to do a little research on the web, and holy crap, I think I solved the mystery! What did I find? A list of signs that someone might be a schizophrenic.

And here’s the thing, before you get all huffy-puffy and shit, I DO NOT think it is okay to make fun of people with mental illness because mental illness is like a totally serious problem, but I do think it’s okay to make fun of douchenugget four-year-olds who make your life a living hell.

So here goes, why my four-year-old might be a schizophrenic. Not really, but the similarities are pretty damn amazing:

 

Social withdrawal

ZOEY: I HATE you!!! I’m never playing with you again!!!

 

Hostility or suspiciousness

ZOEY: Heyyy, why do you always give Holden the bigger cookie?

 

Deterioration of personal hygiene

ZOEY: It itches. I think I forgot to wipe.

 

Flat, expressionless gaze

Zoey, did you hear me? Zoey, I told you to put on your shoes. Zoey, helllllllo, are you there? Can you hear me?

 

Inability to cry or express joy

Woo-hoooooo, finally one I can’t put a check next to!

 

Inappropriate laughter or crying    

Depends, is it inappropriate to cry and sob and act like the world is ending when Mommy gives you a broken graham cracker?

 

Depression

Yes, I am depressed ALLLLLL the time. Oh wait, we’re not talking about me, are we?

 

Oversleeping or insomnia

ZOEY: (Turning on the light 4:00 AM) Good morning Mommy!!! Rise and shine!

 

Odd or irrational statements

ZOEY: I wish I were a fairy because fairies don’t have to poop.

 

Forgetful; unable to concentrate

ME: Zoey, did you get your socks like I asked?

ZOEY: Mom, look at this Lego. Can I have a puppy?

 

Extreme reaction to criticism

ME: Start your letters at the top, Zoey.

ZOEY: Urrrgggh, I’m NEVER writing my name EVER again!!!!!

 

Strange use of words or way of speaking

ZOEY: Beee ba loko wee wa.

ME: What?

ZOEY: That means it’s backwards day.

 

Delusions of persecution 

ZOEY: It’s not fair! Why does Holden always get EVERYTHING and I always get NOTHING?!!!

 

Delusions of grandeur 

ZOEY: I AM TOO a princess, so you HAVE to give me breakfast in bed!!!

 

Perseveration 

Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.

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