Awww damn it, here’s the kind of bullshit I deal with. So Zoey’s in this new phase where she writes all sorts of notes and shit for Tinkerbell. Then she leaves it on her nightstand for Tink to pick up in the middle of the night. Being the idiot that I am, the first time I saw it I was like awwwww, that’s cute, and I wrote a stupid-ass note from Tinkerbell back to Zoey and I switched it out (to all you poopie trolls out there, see, this is the kind of shit that proves I love my children). Well, two things happened:
1. Zoey ran into my room at like the ass crack of dawn and woke me up wayyyy too early because she was totally gizzing (jizzing???) over this authentic note from Tinkerbell that was really just a little green note card I wrote on with a silver Sharpie and I even dotted the “i” with a star ‘cause that’s the kind of lame-ass shit Tinkerbell would do.
2. Zoey wants to write notes alllll the F'ing time to Tinkerbell now and is doing it like constantly.
So last night she left a note for Tinkerbell and Periwinkle (Tink’s sister for all of you respectable people who don’t know who the F she is) and I was supposed to switch it out in the middle of the night for a note from Tink to Zoey.
Check out that AWESOME "W" in Periwinkle. My kid's such an overachiever, her "W" has TWO humps. Jealous much? Anyways, yup, yours F'ing truly forgot to switch out the notes. So here's what my morning was like.
ZOEY: (whining like Caillou) Mommmmy, Tinkerbell didn’t come. But Mommmmmmyyyyyy, why didn’t she come? Why Mommmmmyyyyy? Whyyyyyyyyyyy?
OMG, pleeeeeease someone chop of my ears.
ME: Maybe she was busy, Zoey. Fairies are like really busy peop-, uhhh, creatures.
ZOEY: But she knew I left her a note, and she didn't come.
ME: Oh wait, what was last night? Ohhhh yeah, I totally forgot, she was busy with the whole Frumpalump disaster, blah blah blah, I lie to Zoey and make up this long elaborate story about how Tinkerbell and her sister saved the Frumpalump’s because of this nasty troll, blah blah blah, insert some lame boring-ass story here that totally doesn’t make sense.
Wait, did I say lame? Guess who fell for the whole story. Little Miss Gullible. And now she wants to draw pictures for T&P, so she drew the whole story of T&P and the Frumpalumps.
And then she drew a picture of herself riding a unicorn only she drew the whole thing in urine yellow. A urincorn.
And then she left the Frumpalump and Urincorn pictures on her nightstand for Tinkerbell to get tonight. And now guess what I'm doing. I'm all comfy and lying in bed right now thinking about how I forgot about those damn pictures and note yet again. Urrrrrrggghh, what the hell is wrong with my brain?!!!
So I can either drag my comfy ass out of bed and go downstairs to write a stupid note on green paper with a silver Sharpie, or I can go back to sleep and wait until tomorrow but then I'll have to make up another F’ing story about how Tink was busy or some shit like that. And believe me, coming up with that kind of shit before you have coffee is no easy task and sucks ass.
ME: Honey, I’ll be back. I have to go write a stupid note from Tinkerbell and then I have to sneak into Zoey’s room and try not to wake her up.
And you know she’s totally going to roll over while I’m in there so I’m gonna have to freeze and not move for like 60 lonnnnng seconds until I’m sure she’s sleeping soundly again because the last F’ing thing I need is for her to wake up while I’m switching out the Tinkerbell notes because I’d have to make up some extensive elaborate story again, and I really don’t need any more of that bullshit.
So that's the crap I've been dealing with. And can I tell you the saddest thing about this story? THIS was the most exciting part of my day. I shit you not. Well, this and when the mail came. Awesome.
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