Nine words NOT to use in the New Year

Okay, so here’s the thing. If you read my blog, you know I use a lot of, ummm uhhh, colorful language. And you probably think there’s nothing I won’t say. Well, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Yeah I say shit like shit and fuck and asswipe and twatwaffle, but here are ten words you’ll never hear me use.

RETARD/ RETARDED

Mentally handicapped people are some of the nicest, most motivated, productive people in the world and this word is mean and wrong to use. EVER. If you use this word, guess what you sound like. Yeah, you guessed it—ignorant. I’ll bet you thought I was gonna say retarded. Nope.

GAY

Gay means one of two things. It means homosexual OR it means happy in old black and white movies. It is NOT a derogatory term to joke around and call your frat brothers. It is NOT a term to use when you want to tease a guy who wears pink or runs funny. So if you say something like “That’s so gay,” that’s totally fine. As long as you’re politely referring to two guys you just saw kissing on the street.

CUNNILINGUS

Okay, WTF? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Who the hell came up with this word? And if we’re gonna keep using it, can we all agree that it’s spelled wrong and start spelling it the RIGHT way?

LOSER

Sometimes I refer to myself as a loser. That’s okay. Really you can call yourself any damn thing you like. But calling someone else a loser is a totally a-hole move and the only reason to call someone a loser is because you’re a loser and desperately want someone else to feel worse than you do.

CUMQUAT

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: (under my breath) Eating some cumquats.

FRIEND: WHAT?

ME: (annoyed) I’m eating some cumquats.

FRIEND: (Hysterical laughter) CUM Twats?!!!! Bwahahahahahaha! Can’t breath. Laughing too hard.

All in favor of changing the name of cumquats to moweps (Mini Oranges With Edible Peels), say aye!

NIGGER

Oh man, just typing that word feels wrong. Like REALLY wrong. I know some African-Americans still use this word today and there’s a whole debate over whether they should or not. Well here’s my opinion about it. My opinion is that it doesn’t F’ing matter what I think because there are too many personal emotions and connotations built into this word for little ole white me to have an opinion that counts.

MIDGET

Yes, this term is offensive. It doesn’t matter why it’s offensive. All that matters is that the group of people it refers to is telling us that it’s offensive so we need to stop using it. Also, while we’re on the subject, can we just stop laughing at little people in general? Little people are not funny. Unless they are comedians.

FAT

Well, I guess the word itself isn’t bad IF you’re referring to the actual cells that build up on your body and make you a little plumper in some areas. Like my muffin top, or my thighs, or that section of my back when I look in the mirror and I’m like aggggggh, there’s not supposed to be a crease there!! But calling another human being “fat” is just plain hurtful.

SLUT

So what if some girl is taking it in her vajayjay hole too much? If you’re calling girls sluts, you’re also using a hole too much. Your pie hole! So shut the F up and pay attention to what’s going into your own body, not someone else’s.

STAY-AT-HOME-MOM

You know who this term refers to? NO ONE! Well, maybe moms who have agoraphobia (FYI, if you’re like me and have to look this kind of shit up, agoraphobes are people who are too scared to leave their house). Because really moms don’t stay at home at all. They’re too busy schlepping their rug rats to school, soccer, ballet, the doctor’s office, the dentist, the supermarket and like every other F’ing place allllll day long. So screw this term. I vote we change it to Moms-who-don't-get-paid.

So there you go. Nine words I hope people stop using in 2014. Yeah, I know you’re probably like WTF, why not 10? Well, who the hell decided that 10 should be the number a list should have? I’m gonna be original and have 9. Plus, I’m lazy and my butt is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair too long. Holy crap, how the hell do skinny people sit at desks all day? I mean I have a lot of padding and my butt is hurting. But I digress. 9 it is.

If you agree and want to get people to stop using these words, welllll most of them at least, please press the Facebook like button up top. THANK YOUUUUU!

And if you’re a little insane like me, maybe you want to read some more of my stuff. Just subscribe at BabySideburns.com. Don’t worry, I’m pretty lazy so I won’t send you too much shit.

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