Ice Orbs are for "those" moms and people like Martha F'ing Stewart, A.K.A not me

Ice Orbs are for "those" moms and people like Martha F'ing Stewart, A.K.A not me
Photo by QueenVannaCreations

So the other day I was like the shittiest mother ever. Seriously. I’m in this mom’s group that’s usually full of imperfect mothers like me, well, they’re way better than I am, but still they F up sometimes and have problems and want to lock themselves in their bathrooms and guzzle bottles of wine like I do. But yesterday someone posted something on our Facebook page that made me realize how much I suck at parenting. Here’s what it said:

Let's share with our fellow desperate Mamas the most creative things we have done to entertain our kids stuck inside!

And here’s what I replied in the comment thread:

I put them in front of the TV set.

Sure, I was kidding, but not really. It was so F’ing freezing outside and we couldn’t go anywhere so we watched some TV that day (translation: A LOT). I was like it’s not gonna kill them for one day to watch a lot of TV (translation: TWO days because they canceled school for the second day too, but how the F could I know that would happen?).

Anyways, as the day went on (slowwwwwwwwwly) and I watched that comment thread fill up with alllllllll the awesome, creative, fun shit the other moms were doing with their rug rats that day (a delightful bubble bath with glow sticks, snowman paintings with glue and shaving cream mixed together, snow castles INSIDE the house), I started to feel guilty. But F all that messy shit. Hmmm, what could we do besides watch the boob tube?

Ooooh, I know, I'm gonna brave this F'ing cold and I’ll take the kids to Starbucks for cake pops! That’s creative, right? Okay, fine, maybe not, but they would love it and we would sit at a table together and chat (translation: I would yell at them to sit their tushies in the middle of their chairs and stop running around on the wet floor and annoying the crap out of everyone there). And damn it, I’m sure that one day they will look back and remember those overly-priced pink cake pops as one of the best moments of their childhood. Awwww shit, I still suck.

Okay, fine, so I took them to the Dollar Store after (because we were already in that shopping plaza) but not to buy tons of crappy crap that’s made in China and gives you cancer. Nope, for once I was going to be one of “those” moms. I would do one of those projects I saw on Pinterest a lonnnng time ago. Wait, come to think of it, Pinterest didn’t even exist yet when I saw this project and I don’t really look at Pinterest anyways so I don’t where the hell I saw it, but it looked so F’ing cool I remembered it alllllll these years. And that’s saying a lot since I can’t even remember how old I am anymore. I shit you not. The other day I said I was a year older than I actually am. But I digress.

Anyways, here’s what I saw a million years ago. They were these brilliantly beautiful colorful ice orbs that some totally crafty person made. She just poured water with a little food coloring into large balloons and then let them freeze outside and when she took the balloons off of them, they were fabulous perfect translucent orbs of ice that decorated the snowy pathway up to her front door. Easy peasy! I can do that!! All I needed were some balloons from the dollar store.

Ennnnnnnh, wrong! Apparently, you also need something I couldn’t buy at the Dollar Store. The Martha F’ing Stuart gene.

So here are some of the things that went wrong:

Since I wasn’t planning on being all crafty and shit that day, I was wearing my favorite cream-colored sweater. Ummm, let’s just say when you’re pouring food coloring into a balloon and then filling it up on the sink faucet, cream is NOT the color to wear. Kaaabloooey!!! KaFuckeyyyyy!

Also, the package said 9-inch balloons. Nine inches MY ASS. Nine centimeters maybe. Like if a guy showed up to the porn set and claimed it was nine inches and he pulled down his pants and his peeper were as long as this balloon, the fluffer would have been like are you fluffing kidding me? Ummm, totally random analogy but hey, I have an excuse. I’ve been stuck inside for dayyyyyyys. Anyways, here they are.

IceOrbsBalloonsinBowl

And here they are outside in the snow. What you can’t see in this picture is me getting frostbite on my nipples and the frozen tears on my face as my kids watched me through the window and laughed at me as I cried in pain. But despite all the problems I’d encountered day one, I was still pretty excited about day two.

IceOrbBalloonsinSnow

ME: Do you see them? Do you see them? They’re freezing! Our ice orbs are getting frozen and then we can open them!

I tried to psyche the kids up but all they wanted to do was watch TV because by now they’d turned into total TV addicts. Plus they had like nothing to do with this project because who the F would let their kid near a water balloon filled with food coloring? Even I’m not that stupid.

Duh duh duh duhhhhhhhhh, the day of the unveiling of the amazing colorful ice orbs!!!!

So the next day I bundled up as much as humanly possible and quickly discovered that peeling a frozen balloon off an ice orb is F’ing hard as shit and definitely cannot be done in gloves. But who the hell needs gloves anyway when you’re standing in negative 16-degree weather and you’re holding a frozen ball of ice in your bare hands?

Finally I got one of them unwrapped. A beautiful purple one. See it?

IceOrbsDroppedinSnow

No, you can’t F’ing see it because that little shitball sunk, and hell if I’m reaching my arm into the freezing cold snow. I managed to unwrap two others and place them more carefully on the snow along with a few of my fingers that had fallen off. FYI, if you think they're hard to see in this picture you're right, but it's not the picture's fault. It's because they sunk a little into the snow and they looked like shit.

I can’t remember if I gave up at this point or if I had to go inside because Thing 1 and Thing 2 were fighting and I could see through the window that Thing 1 was clawing out the eyes of Thing 2. Apparently they didn’t give a shit about the beautiful ice orbs I was showing them through the window.

Oh, and here’s my favorite part about this stupid project. Check this shit out.

IceOrbsFingersDyed

Awesome.

So there you go. THAT is why I don’t ever try to be one of "those" moms. Oh, I also tried that shit where you throw the water up in the air and it turns to snow. The first time I tried it I didn’t know it had to be boiling so I just threw a cup of water up in the air and water fell all around me and the kids were like WTF is mom doing. So I tried it again when I heard it had to be boiling (clearly there’s some science lesson here that I’m too lazy to look up). People are all like here’s something you can do with your kids when it’s really cold out. Throw a cup of boiling water in the air and it turns to snow. Yeah, that’s F’ing cool. For about .5 seconds. After that you’re like, WTF are we supposed to do now.

If you thought this was funny and you like watching a mom who sucks worse than you do because it makes you feel better about yourself, check out my New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. It's an AWESOME gift for the holidays!! You can even order a bookplate so your copy will be signed!

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