Dear Justin Bieber's mom

Dear Justin Bieber’s mom,

I’m sorry I don’t know your real name but I’m not one of those celebrity junkies who knows shit like that. But I don't totally live under a rock so I’ve seen the stuff that’s been going on with your son. And I’ve also seen like a boatload of jokes about it all.

Like last night Jimmy Fallon said, “I don’t know if I’m looking at a mug shot or a Proactiv commercial. He’s so excited to be arrested.”

And I think Conan’s was my favorite: “The police report described him as five foot nine and 140 pounds. Or as his cellmate put it, just right.”

Yeah, that’s some funny shit. But not if it’s your son they’re talking about.

I have a son too. Granted he’s only two, but still I think allllllllllll the time about how he’s going to be in the future. Just the thought of him getting his driver’s license one day scares the crap out of me, much less the thought of him drag-racing at high speeds down a residential street, much less doing it while he’s drunk and stoned and high on prescription meds. Oh, and then how Justin said he got the prescription drugs from you. I’m pretty sure you didn’t say here you go Justy, take two of these Xanax and wash them down with some tequila shots and a few bong hits.

Anyways, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m NOT sorry your son’s a douchebag. A lot of that’s your fault. But I AM sorry he’s clearly got a serious problem. Yeah, sure, sometimes nineteen-year-olds F up. But taking prescription drugs and drinking alcohol and smoking dope and then getting behind the wheel of a rented Lamborghini and driving down a residential street at 60 mph is not a simple F up that a normal nineteen-year-old makes.

It’s hard for me to look at your awesome lifestyle and your kickass houses and mucho expensivo cars and shit like that and say this, but it sucks to be you. I really truly hope you can get through to your thick-headed, bare-chested son and that he can find his way to a better place. And I don’t mean out of jail and to his badass mansion in Beverly Hills. I mean to a better place mentally.

So in all seriousness, I’m sorry. This has gotta suck ass BIG TIME.


Another mom of a son

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