Santa Claus ain't comin' to your town, Shlomo Baruch

So this is the conversation I had with my daughter last week.

KID: How big are the elves?

ME: Uhh, I don't know, like the size of your Barbies.

KID: What does Santa do if his sleigh breaks?

ME: No F’ing clue.

KID: Does he have a mommy?

ME: No.

KID: Santa doesn’t have a mommy? Then where did he come from?

ME: From magic.

KID: But who did the magic?

ME: Damn it, kid. What do I look like, A Santa expert?

This is the kind of shit I deal with from December 1st on until my ears are bleeding from all the pain and my nose is like a thousand miles long from lying so much.

So when our local mall said they were going to host an interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (side note, why the hell are we on a first name basis with Santa but we have no F’ing idea what Mrs. Claus’ first name is?). I don’t know if that was a sentence or not ‘cause I got sidetracked so I’m starting over. Anyways, when our local mall said they were hosting an interview with Santa and kids could come ask questions, I was like hells yeah sign me up!

Okay, so the beginning of the show was AWESOME. I mean this  Santa Claus was like super gung ho. He belted out Santa Claus is Coming to Town from the second story in the mall and then came riding down the escalator to all the excited little kiddlets below.

He sung, he danced, and Mrs. Claus even played a ukulele (I had to spell that word like 9 times before I got it right). Did you know she plays one of those things? I shit you not. And she’s pretty good. She said she got it on their trip to Hawaii last year. I feel like if I saw Santa in a bathing suit on the beach in Hawaii I’d be like go put on some clothes, your reflection is giving me a sunburn. And for the love of God Santa, we’re on the beach, take off those black socks. That or I’d ask him for his autograph. But I digress. Anyways, that was the first half of the show.

Annnnnd then it took a turn for the worse. So before Santa and the Mrs. came out, this skinny choreographer guy taught the kids an adorable reindeer dance. Awww, how cute. Mr. Skinny Choreographer Guy was like cross your arms and pretend like you’re driving a sleigh, now pretend like it’s snowing, and then crack a whip just like Santa. Umm, I didn’t think Santa whipped his reindeer, but hey, WTF do I know? I mean he probably needs them to go really fast.

And then once the Clauses (Claus’s???) got there, Mr. Choreographer Guy turned on the music. Here I was sitting there waiting for the cute reindeer dance he taught them when much to my surprise the music came on. Rudolph? No. Jingle Bell Rock? Nuh-uhhhhh. I present to you, forty kids under the age of five doing Gangnam Style. And two things went though my head. One, WTF does that have to do with the holidays? And two, did this guy seriously just teach my two-year-old how to crack an air-whip at a sexy Korean ho ho ho-bag?

Anyways, fine, whatever, he’s only two and doesn’t know WTH he’s doing, so let’s move on to the actual reason we came to this little Santa show in the first place. The interview part where kids can ask questions. Here we go.

KID #1: What do reindeers eat?

SANTA: Carrots and apples. And it’s reinDEER not reindeerS, brainiac. Next!

KID #2: Is your workshop attached to your house?

SANTA: What are you F’ing kidding me? No, I need to get away from those squeaky elves at the end of the day.

KID #3: Is it okay that I’m Jewish?

Annnnnnd cue the laughter from all the parents in the audience.

But this was a serious question. I was really curious to see how Santa would answer it. And this is what he said.

SANTA: Ho ho ho (stalling tactic) ho ho ho (see I told ya), of course it’s okay. Santa loves all kids. In fact, Santa isn’t religious at all. Some kids are Jewish and some are Christian and some are Buddhist and Santa is for ALLLLLL religions. Ho ho ho.

Well guess what Santa, I have three letters for you. WTF? I mean supposedly you know everything but you are wrong with a capital R about this one. Haven’t you ever heard of Hannukkah Harry (are you F'ing kidding me? Hannukkah is spelled like 9,000 different ways and according to spell check I just found like the one way to misspell it??). That’s right, you haven’t heard of him because Hannukkah Harry is the Jewish answer to Santa Claus and he never caught on. And I don’t know WTH the Buddhists have? Bethlehem Buddha? That can’t be right.

Anyways, what I’m so ineptly getting at here is that Santa Claus is Christian. I mean no, not as Christian as Christ maybe, but his other name is SAINT Nick, so he's Christian.

So Santa, as awesome and jolly and giving as you are, guess what. Hundreds of thousands of little kiddos wake up on Christmas and guess who DIDN’T show up last night. You. Nope, to these kiddos Christmas is just a day a lot of shit is closed and the only thing to do is go to the movies and eat Chinese food.

So Santa, I’m all for making sure that little boy felt like being Jewish was a-okay. But when little Shlomo Baruch wakes up on December 25th and there aren’t any presents at the bottom of his chimney, he’s gonna feel like shit and wonder why the hell you forgot him since according to you Santa is for ALL religions. And poor little Shlomo’s parents are debating WTF to do now? I mean they just went to the mall to return an ugly sweater at the Gap which was really just an excuse to get a pretzel from Auntie Anne’s and now their family has been thrown into an unsolvable existential religious discussion. That probably doesn’t make sense, but I said it just to sound smart. What I really meant is, they're F'ed.

So seriously Santa. Big mistake. BIG mistake. And to pay for it you will be getting less cookies at our house this year, which is really just an excuse for me to eat more of them. Awesome.

Anyways, that's it.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Wait, no, that's wrong. Merry Christmas to all the Christians and to the rest of ya happy holidays! And to all a good night!

If you think this shit is kinda sorta funny, please join my Facebook page. It's totally dope. Did I even spell that word right? I have no clue. I just said it to sound cool.

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