Chain letters suck ass and should be illegal

Awwww shit, you're not gonna believe what my daughter got the other day. Nahh, not her period. That would have sent me to an early grave. Or a giant handle of vodka. Although I hear kids are getting that shit at like negative-2-years-old these days with all that hormone milk they're drinking. But I digress. Imagine that. So here goes.

Drumroll please, badabadabadabadabadabada, she got her first, get ready to cringe, her first chain letter. And here’s the thing about chain letters. THEY SUCKKKKKKK ASSSSSSSSS. Especially when your rug rat is only 4-something and you’re the one who has to deal with it. Plus, 4-year-olds only have like 10 friends so they will send each other this same letter over and over and over again until you receive it like 2,000 times.

So here goes, here's the sticker club chain letter she got and my thoughts about it. The original letter is in all caps and my comments are in italics. Or just look for the curse words.

 

STICKER CLUB

Dear ______ZOEY__________

WELCOME TO THE "STICKER CLUB." PLEASE SEND ONE PACK OF STICKERS TO THE PERSON IN THE #1 SPOT. NEXT MOVE MY NAME TO THE #1 SPOT AND PUT YOUR NAME IN THE #2 SPOT. (WTF, I have a college degree and I had to read this shit like three times to make sure I understood WTF it’s telling me to do.) THEN SEND THE LETTER TO 6 FRIENDS (who the hell do I hate enough to send them a chain letter?). 

IF YOU CANNOT DO THIS IN 6 DAYS (I’ve had “get life insurance” at the top of my to do list for like 12 months and you want me to do an F’ing Sticker Club in 6 days?), PLEASE LET MY MOM KNOW BECAUSE IT ISN'T FAIR TO THE OTHER KIDS WHO HAVE PARTICIPATED SO FAR (Bwhahahahahhahahaha! How the F do 4-year-olds participate if they can’t read or write yet?). WITHIN 2 WEEKS YOU SHOULD RECEIVE 86 PACKS OF STICKERS. (1 pack of stickers= kids decorate a piece of paper. 2 packs of stickers= kids decorate a piece of paper and toy or a window or something. 86 packs of stickers= kids decorate your walls, windows, furniture, car and everything else you own with F’ing stickers and you have to spend like 96 hours ruining your nails scraping that shit off and going through like 8 bottles of Goo Gone.) IT IS A LOT OF FUN AND EXCITING TO SEE WHERE YOUR STICKERS COME FROM (from Michaels and Target because all of your friends live in the same town and buy stickers at the same place) AND IT IS REALLY FUN TO GET MAIL (no, it’s not, mail is just bills and shitty catalogs. So if you make mail fun for kids, you’re just setting them up for disappointment later when they grow up and find out that mail actually sucks).

THANKS FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION!!! (How the hell can you thank me for shit I haven’t done yet?)

YOUR FRIEND, (Your Enemy,)

______Some mom who has time for the PTA and Pinterest and shit like that_____

 

PS: TO THE PARENTS (Now? NOW you’re admitting that this is really addressed to me?!)- PLEASE TAKE TIME FOR THIS QUICK PROJECT (Quick project my ass. I have to scan and copy this shit, move the stupid names over, mess up, find white-out, redo it, go buy stickers at the store, figure out who the F to send this to, find their addresses since I only communicate online these days, address a bunch of envelopes, and realize I only have five stamps so I have to go to the post office to buy more, and then the second I finish we’re going to receive another F’ing one in the mail. So if I reek of BO this week, it’s because instead of taking the 5 minutes I had to shower, instead I did the stupid ass Sticker Club you coerced me to do). IT IS WORTH IT TO SEE THE SMILE ON YOUR CHILD'S FACE WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MAIL (the same smile I can get if I just buy her a bunch of stickers and hand them to her, easy peasy, or even just hand her an F’ing cookie).

TO MAKE IT EASIER, WE HAVE INCLUDED A BLANK LETTER FOR YOU TO COPY (uhh yeah, now it’s easy). BEFORE YOU WRITE ON IT (awww shit, F’ed that one up), MAKE 12 COPIES (which explains why I can barely read this shit because it’s been photocopied like 12,000 times). ONE FOR EACH OF THE 6 FRIENDS THAT YOU ARE SENDING IT TO AND 6 BLANKS TO MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM (for their moms) AS IT WAS FOR YOU. YOU ONLY NEED 1 PACK OF STICKERS AND 7 STAMPS (and a shitload of patience and friends and addresses and envelopes and the desire the deal with what happens when your kid gets 86 packs of stickers)!

 

#1 spot

_____Some kid who can’t write but______

_____their mom made them write it_____

_____so now I have to decipher this shit

_______________________________________________

 

#2 spot

_____Some other kid_________________________

_____WTF do I do with this kid’s name?__

______No clue__________________________________

_________________________________________________

PPS: In the spirit of chain letters, please share this blog post within 6 minutes or you will be cursed for 7 years and bad things might happen to you and you might even die.

PPS: If you like this, please subscribe to babysideburns.com to see more of the shit, uhhh, brilliant stuff I write.

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