Okay, so I don’t know about you but I pretty much wear some kind of makeup every day. I’m not saying I slather on the blue eye shadow and crap, but I usually have to cover up some red dots from pimples I popped like four months ago and if I don’t add a little concealer under my eyes, the people at Starbucks are like,  “Agghhhhhh, run, it’s a zombie and it’s going to eat us!!!”

So the other day I was putting on my makeup trying to make it look like I’m not an extra on The Walking Dead when Zoey came in.

ZOEY: Can I have some lip-gloss? I want to be pretty.

My heart sank just hearing it.

ME: Sweetie, you don’t need makeup to be pretty. And remember beauty is on the inside.

INNER VOICE: Bullshit! One day she will learn that there are two kinds of beauty in the world. Beauty on the inside AND beauty on the outside. And sadly beauty on the outside does make a difference.

Like once I heard this show on the radio and they were asking famous comedians if they would rather their children be smart, funny or beautiful. All of them said beautiful. Not because they were a-holes who thought beauty was more important, but because they all thought that the world is kinder to beautiful people. And unfortunately they’re probably right.

But I want Zoey to focus on her inner beauty. I know, I know, insert barfing sounds here. I know it sounds totally hokey, but I want her to find her value in how she treats people, how she behaves, her moral compass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an idiot. I know that one day she’ll want to wear lipstick and eyeliner and glitter eye shadow and other shit that’s gonna drive me up an F’ing wall, but I don’t want her to think she HAS TO wear it to be beautiful.

Anyways, as I stood there with that dot of concealer on my finger ready to smear it below my eyes, I felt the guilt wash over me. WTH am I teaching my daughter? Of course she thinks you need makeup to look pretty. She sees me apply it all the time. She sees me primp in the mirror every time I’m leaving the house. She doesn’t see her daddy do this. Just mommy.

So I took a little piece of toilet paper and I wiped that concealer on it. Screw it, my pimple scar will show today. If beauty really is on the inside, I can't just TELL her that. I need to SHOW her that. But what sucks is that tomorrow you know I’m gonna cover that shit up again. Or apply some clear mascara to my eyebrows so they don’t look like scraggly old man eyebrows.

No, wait, F that. I’m gonna do something about this damn it. Something drastic. Oh yeahhh, I’m fired up now. And I have a plan.

I’m calling it the NO MAKEUP NO MIRROR PROJECT. You’re probably like WTF is that? For the next week I am not using an ounce of makeup and I’m covering up every mirror in my house. That’s right, EVERY SINGLE MIRROR. Even the stupid dinky one in the car. No, not the rearview one, I’m not an idiot. That one on the visor that makes you look like shit anyway.

I just told my husband about my project to make sure he’s on board.

ME: Honey, I want to do this thing called the NO MAKEUP NO MIRROR PROJECT, so is it okay if I cover all the mirrors in the house for a week?

HIM: Whatever, I don’t really need a mirror except to shave.

See! This is like a huge deal for me, but he couldn’t care less. I want my daughter to be like that. I mean I don’t want her to look like crap, but I don’t want her to think she NEEDS lip gloss to be pretty. That she NEEDS to check herself out in the mirror all the time.

So here goes. Let the NO MAKEUP NO MIRROR PROJECT begin.



Eeeeks, I’m a little scared. I mean my bangs are gonna be all sticking up all over the place and my eyebrows are probably going to grow together until I look like Burt from Sesame Street. But my daughter is going to see that I can walk out of the house without worrying about how I look. She’s gonna see that I don’t NEED makeup. That I can be a beautiful person without it. I'm going to tell her AND I'm going to show her.

If you feel like joining the NO MAKEUP NO MIRROR project and doing it with me, that would be TOTALLY AWESOME! Let’s teach our kiddos that we LIKE our makeup and our mirrors but we don’t NEED them.

And last but not least if you see me out and about and you find yourself thinking, man, she looks like crap, you’re wrong. I look beautiful. On the inside. Where it really counts.

This is one of my more serious pieces. If you like funnier shit, you should check out my new book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It's beautiful on the inside.


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