My New Pink Button: How to paint your labia pink (I shit you not)

OMG, holy crap, have you seen this vagina bleach stuff people are talking about? Well, in case you haven’t seen it, yes, this is a real product that bleaches the area around your hoo-ha (or as I call it, your hoo-harea) and they sell in India and Asia because apparently women over there have this dark crotch problem.

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WTF???!!!! I’d really like to know who convinced them they have a dark crotch problem because as far as I’ve noticed, men don’t really give a shit how dark your crotch is as long as there’s a hole there. Am I right?!

Anyways, I was doing a little research on this hoo-harea bleach (and by research I mean checking this shit out on the internet, NOT on my vajayjay) when I stumbled upon this other product called My New Pink Button. Holy F. Have you seen this thing? It’s kind of just as bad as the hoo-harea bleach only worse. It’s DIY pink dye for your labia. No, that whole sentence is not a typo. DO-IT-YOURSELF PINK DYE FOR YOUR LABIAGGGGHHHHH! See?

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Okay, first of all, I had NO F’ING IDEA “labia color-loss” was a problem, but apparently a lot of women suffer from LCL. WHAT???!!! Yes, apparently your labia loses color as you get older. Are you F’ing kidding me? My boobs sag, my elbows flop, and now this?! My labia fades?!! Awesome. And since I don’t look at my labia every day, for alls I know my labia is ALREADY F’ing Caspar the Ghost. Wait, I don't mean “F’ing Caspar” like having sex with him. Ewwww, my labia wouldn’t F Caspar, he’s just a little boy ghost. Hmm, I’ve never thought about that before, is Caspar like a little boy who died? That is so sad. But I digress. Like MAJORLY.

Anyways, as you can see, My New Pink Button comes in this nifty little tin can, kind of like a fancy candle or surfboard wax. Only it’s not wax, it’s labia dye. So while I was planning on writing about hoo-harea bleach, well, I’m not anymore. I’m writing about My New Pink Button, the pink dye women are using to reinvigorate their faded labias. So here goes.

1. Gosh, I really hate how my vagina is losing its color. Said no woman ever.

2. Hells no, I ain’t having sex with that pale vajayjay. Said no MAN ever.

3. Well, this is just a silly product. When my vajayjay needs a little boost of color I just give it a quick pinch on my way out the door.

4. Okay, it says the kit contains labia colorant dye. LABIA COLORANT DYE. Like this is a common household item. They F’ing made those words up. Like the way my shaving gel says lotionized. Not a real word, people.

5. The kit also says, “Our products are never tested on animals, but it will bring out the animal in you.” Yeah, you know what kind? One of those baboons with the giant bright red asses.

6. Shit, I better go check my labia in the mirror to see if I’m losing color there. Too bad I have no F’ing idea what color it was before.

7. Damn it, I forgot to dye my vajayjay today. Quick say something embarrassing that’ll make my labia blush.

8. I’m so curious, do you get someone to apply it for you or do you grab a mirror and do this shit yourself? ‘Cause there’s only one person checking out my labia.

ME: Honey, would you mind dying my labia?

HUBBY: Depends, would you mind signing these divorce papers?

9. Oh wait, I stand corrected, there are two people I let check out my labia.

ME: Hey, while you’re down there giving me a pap smear would you mind dying my labia?

DR.: I need a psych consult in exam room C!

10. So here’s a question. After a long round of sex (dear God, pleeeeease cum already) does his penis turn pink like when you suck on a big ole lollipop for a long time?

11. And I feel like if I were dying my labia a color for my man, it wouldn’t be pink. Like I’d go for something men like, like blue or camouflage or black. Ewwww, a black labia? Wait, that totally sounded racist. That’s not what I meant. I just meant that if I dyed my labia black, it’d be a black labia on a white woman. And that’s just got wrong written all over it

12. I googled labia to see if I could tell what color a labia should be and this seriously might be the worst mistake I have EVER made in my entire life. There are some totally F’ed up labias on google. Why the hell do people post pictures of their messed up labias there? Agggghhhhh!! I’m thinking about suing google for showing them to me. Only they’d have to show these pictures in court and the whole jury would be throwing up and then they’d each have to sue google too for seeing these pictures and so on and so on until the whole world is scarred for life and suing google.

13. F that pink ribbon. I know what I'm doing for breast cancer awareness month. Check out my pink labia!

14. You know how at a bar all the women crowd around the mirror putting their lipstick on and shit? I triple dare someone to whip out their labia dye and start applying it.

15. And do you think they sell this shit in Sephora? And if so, do they have a tester? And if so, NO WAY IN HELL. I thought the tester lipsticks were bad.

16. OMG, my daughter LOVES pink. She is going to go bonkers! Look, sweetie, my hoo-ha is pinkalicious!!!!

17. MAN: No way hozay, the last time I went down on you, my mouth looked like I’d been drinking Kool Aid for a week!

18. HOME DEPOT GUY: Picking out paint chips for your daughter’s room?

ME: Nahhh, just trying to decide which color to paint my labia.

19. Take that, Georgia O’Keefe, you’re not the only one who can paint pink vaginas!

20. Hells yeah, I totally know EXACTLY what I’m going to sing while I put it on. Isn’t she-eeeee, pretty in pink? Isn’t she pretty in pink?

So there you go. If you like what I have to say about pink labias, you might also like what I have to say about parenting. Check out my new book I Heart My Little A-Holes, available in paperback on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online, and in ebook on Kindle, Nook and iBook.

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