The sucky truth about breastfeeding

Dear pregnant people,

So here’s the thing. I know when you walk down the street and bump into moms they say things like, “Congratulations!” and “It’s so exciting!” and “Welcome to the club!” But really in their head they’re thinking awww shit, you have no F’ing clue what you’re in for. Because even though becoming a mom is like one of the most awesome things in the whole wide world, there are also a lot of things that suck balls abut it. Like breastfeeding.

That’s right, BREASTFEEDING SUCKS ASS. BIGTIME.

No one wants to tell you that shit when you’re preggers. They don’t want to rain on your parade. And they don’t talk about how F’ing hard breastfeeding is because they think they’re doing you a favor because telling you the truth would be discouraging. But really they’re doing you a disservice.

I wish, like I seriously WISH WISH WISH someone really honestly told me how hard it might be. Yeah, I know there are those people who think it’s the easiest thing on earth and the first time they breastfeed it feels like a sparkling unicorn kissing their nipples as they breastfeed on an F’ing rainbow. And I know those people are shooting mental daggers at me right now and hating me because they think I’m discouraging people from breastfeeding.

Ennnnnhhh, wrong! Breastfeeding is awesome. For like a million reasons. Well, not a million but a lot of F’ing reasons. Like it’s great for the baby’s immunity. It helps prevent breast cancer in the mom. It’s free and formula costs like as much as college tuition. And SUPPOSEDLY it helps you shed all that baby weight (Seriously? Because I’m still wearing transition jeans like two years later)

But let me tell you what breastfeeding was like for me.

So imagine getting like a shitload of paper cuts all over your nipples. No, I have no idea how that might happen, but just imagine it. Now imagine someone pouring Tabasco sauce all over those paper cuts. And now imagine them taking some jumper cables, clamping them to your nipples and then attaching the other end to electricity. Now imagine them letting loose a million red ants and letting those red ants crawl up those jumper cables to your nipples where they decide to feast on you.

Do I exaggerate? Maybe a little. But damn, it’s close. Like I remember a moment when Zoey clamped down on me in the first week of breastfeeding and I literally had to grab a pillow and scream into it. Like the pain was that bad.

So why in God’s name would I tell you this? Because here’s the thing. When you’re sitting there on your couch with your Boppy or your Breast Friend wrapped around your waist and the tears are pouring out of your eyes, and the pain is worse than anything you ever imagined, and you’re wondering how the hell having a piranha chomp on your bleeding nipples is going to help the two of you bond, I want you to know that you are not failing. You are going through what a HUGE majority of other mothers have also gone through.

And I know it sucks. I know it SUCKS.

But guess what. It’s normal for it to SUCK. And it will get better. In fact, it will actually be enjoyable. I shit you not. So even though you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s there. I promise it’s there. You can do it.

And congratulations and welcome to the club!

Love,

A mom who just wants you to be ready

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