Archive for October 2013

Halloween is totally AWESOMMMMMME except for this shit

1. KID: I want to be a zombie. MOM: Cool. I’ll go buy allllll the crap you need to be a zombie. KID: Sweet. And then I’ll change my mind and want to be a princess just to piss you off. 2. Doo doo doo dooooo, on my way up to bed. Oh look, a... Read more »

Hells yeah, look what’s out on Kindle, Nook, iBook and Amazon tonight

Hells yeah, look what’s out on Kindle, Nook, iBook and Amazon tonight
How Baby Sideburns would say it: Buy my F’ing Book. How an Italian would say it: Buya mya booka. How Tina Fey would say it: Holy crap, this book is funny. Buy it. How my Jewish mother would say it: Woe is me, my grandchildren are starving and my daughter entertains you every week because... Read more »

Men can't have it all either

Dear Hubby, I suck. No, unfortunately not like that anymore. Well, sometimes, but not often enough. But seriously sometimes I think I’m a terrible wife. Like I hate myself for dumping the kids on you the minute you walk in the door. I mean you’ve been working your ass off all day to put food... Read more »
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The SkyMall magazine is so entertaining, and by entertaining I mean it has some weird ass shit

No wayyyyy. This is AWESOME. I don’t want this. I NEED this! And it will go on a tree in the front of my house. And it will face the sidewalk so when people walk by they either crack the F up or poop themselves. And it will be worth every single penny. And let me just say that there is a life-sized one that is $2,250 and if any millionaires out there want to buy it for me, I will love you forever and ever and ever.
Yeah yeah yeah, I’m on an airplane SANS kiddos (and if you don’t speak French, that means WITHOUT the kiddos) and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited. It’s just me, myself and my iPad for the next three hours. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (perky) Please turn off all electronic devices so we can back this mofo up and get... Read more »

Dear dad who pushes his kid wayyy too hard

Dear Dad who just instructed his daughter NOT to fall off the balance beam today in gymnastics class, Okay, thank GOD our kids are here because if they weren’t I’d probably go off on you. WTF? These kids are in preschool. So A. They’re gonna fall off the balance beam. And B. They’re not F’ing... Read more »

You know you’re a mom if

1. You try to catch throw up in your bare hands and you’re bummed when you miss. 2. You discover random shit in your bra when you undress at night. 3. You eat your entire meal standing up. 4. And it consists of leftover French fries and the crusts of a sandwich. 5. You’ve had... Read more »
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