Halloween is totally AWESOMMMMMME except for this shit

1. KID: I want to be a zombie.

MOM: Cool. I’ll go buy allllll the crap you need to be a zombie.

KID: Sweet. And then I’ll change my mind and want to be a princess just to piss you off.

2. Doo doo doo dooooo, on my way up to bed. Oh look, a bowl of mini chocolate bars! Don’t mind if I do. And then I have two choices. I can either wait an hour to brush my teeth or I can go ahead and brush them but basically I'm just brushing them with chocolate and my spit’s gonna be all nasty and brown.

3. Here’s the weather forecast for the week. Sunny, sunny, sunny, sunny, oh look at that, on Halloween it’s sunny… until 4PM and then the temperature drops to negative 1,000 degrees and a 170% chance of rain. So yeah, that hula outfit looked adorable. Until you had to wear it with long johns, a turtleneck and a raincoat.

4. Awww, my kiddo’s costume is sooo cute. He’s going as Yoda. And then I put the costume on him and he’s like GET THESE MOTHER-F’ING EARS OFF ME!!!!!!! So now he’s just a kid in a robe. A $30 tan, itchy robe. Awesome.

5. People who dress up as clowns.

6. People who dress up as sluts.

7. Fake weapons. I give my kid a spatula so he’ll leave me the F alone for a few minutes, and he uses it to whack his sister. So WTF do you think he’s going to do with a giant plastic sword? Yeah, he’s going to decapitate her. Only it’s duller than a plastic butter knife so he’s not gonna be able to so he’s just gonna whack her over and over and over again. Fun times.

8. Dear Pottery Barn Kids,

You want me to spend HOW MUCH on a costume? $89?! Are you shitting me? $89 on a costume my kid will wear for 1/4380th of a year (yes, I did the math). Hey, here’s an idea. You know all those leftover costumes in your stock room after Halloween? Why don’t you send them on over to some poor kids in Africa? With some food.

9. Are you F’ing kidding me? I am ridiculously nice enough to leave out a giant bowl of candy on my porch while I take my little ones ‘round the block, and then some douchenugget comes along and dumps the whole F’ing bowl into his bag? You suck kid.

10. Are you F’ing kidding me? Am I seriously stoopid enough to think I can leave a giant bowl of candy out on my porch and no one will steal it? Hey kid whose brain isn’t fully formed yet, here’s a huge ass bowl of deliciously awesome candy but JUST TAKE ONE. Bwahahahahaha!

11. Okay, here’s what houses should give out on Halloween:

Chocolate

And here’s what should be illegal:

Smarties

Dum dums

Why?

Because A. This is the kind of shit they give out for free at the bank so why the hell should we have to schlep from door to door begging for it.

And B. Four days after Halloween I’m staring at a big ass bowl of leftover Smarties and Dum dums but I’m a total candyaholic by this point so I just start inhaling fistfuls of Smarties which is basically like an alcoholic downing bottles of O’Doul’s.

If you think this shit is funny, check out my new book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It's on sale NOW and people (translation: my mom and dad) LOVE it!

babysideburnsbook

Leave a comment