Lice, I hate your guts, but if you're gonna stop by this is the weekend to do it

Awwwww shit, look what just popped up in my inbox.

Dear Parents,

A case of head lice was reported in your child’s classroom.

WTF WTF WTF?! Welcome back to school! Here are her new teachers, here are the new students, oh and here are some nasty ass bugs that'll crawl all over your kiddo’s scalp and do little tap dances there that make her itch like a mangy dog with fleas. Ewwwwww. Do any of you remember when Zoey was sent home with the stuffed “class pet” like 6 months ago? Hellllllo, is it any wonder the kids are getting head diseases? It’s a miracle all the kids don’t have the bubonic plague by now.


Anyways, of course I’m out of town at my cousin’s wedding this weekend, leaving my hubby at home to THOROUGHLY examine her head. Translation: DO NOT CHECK her out while you are watching a football game. Turn off all electronic devices, turn on every single light in the house, and hold your eyeballs open with toothpicks while you comb through each and every strand of hair looking for even the tiniest sign of these disgusting little creatures. And then when you’re done, DO IT AGAIN. And then report back to me ASAP because today there are more important things than the everlasting love between my cousin and his fiancé. Namely these.

Screen shot 2013-09-21 at 3.32.56 PM

HUBBY: I see something.

ME: What? What do you see? Tell me exactly what you see. In intricate detail. Wait, no, better yet, take a picture and send it to me.


ME: Umm, I can’t see jack shit in that picture. What do you see?

HUBBY: It’s like a piece of dandruff.

ME: Like it’s white and flaky? Does it blow off or is it attached?

HUBBY: Attached. There are like five of them.

ME: FIVE???!!!! You said, “IT’S like a piece of dandruff! You didn’t say THEY’RE like pieces of dandruff!”

HUBBY: Fine, THEY look like dandruff.

ME: Call the pediatrician’s office right now.

HUBBY: Okay.

ME: No seriously, RIGHT NOW! Before they close.

HUBBY: I can’t while we’re on the phone.

ME: Fine. Hang up and call right now. And then call me back. I want to know EXACTLY what they say. And if they’re closed, call the on-call line.

Waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting. Aggggh, WTF is taking him so long?! They could be hatching right now. Those little mother F’ers are probably humping each other all over our house by now making more little mother F’ers.

(Ring ring)

ME: What is it? Is it lice? Did she give you a prescription? Should we just burn our whole house to the ground and start over?

HUBBY: Yes, but we caught'm early. Here's what she told us to do. Blah blah blah, special shampoo, blah blah blah, little comb, blah blah blah, wash everything in hot water (I'm writing blah blah blah because if I wrote out ALLLLLLL the shit he has to do, this blog would be like 9 million pages long).

That's right, shit HE has to do. Because guess what. I am away. Enjoying myself. At an event with an open bar. Hells yeah, this was the perfect weekend to leave town! I mean ohhh nooo I'm so sorry I'm not there to help you do seven loads of laundry and deal with all this crap honey, but what're you gonna do? Hmmmm, lemme see, maybe grab a glass of champagne and thank my lucky stars I'm not at home this weekend? Now let’s just pray I don’t bring back any bed bugs from the hotel.

If you liked this, here's something else you might like. Oh and you also might like my book that's coming out this October. It's called I Heart My Little A-Holes. Because I do. And they are.



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