Agggghhhhh! Have you seen this?!!! So I know a lot of you got pissed at me for dissing the Nosefrida snotsucker and I might get ripped a new one for making fun of this, but if we can’t laugh at a product like this then WTH can we laugh at? So here goes. This is the Windi. It’s this little tube that looks like a tampon applicator and you stick it in your newborn’s tush hole when they have gas and it helps the air come out. And sometimes other stuff.
Anyways, yeah people, I get it. When your kid is a colicky ball of snot and screaming and their belly’s so distended they look preggers, you’ll do whatever it takes to make them happy. But still, I had a few thoughts about this. I mean, how could I not?
1. The website says you will hear a whistling sound when the gas comes out. Heyyyy, maybe if we get a bunch of babies whistling out of their tushes at the same time, we'll have the next great act on America’s Got Talent. And do you think it’s like that “you look sexy” kind of whistle you hear at a construction site because that’d be funny as shit.
2. Okay little baby, this isn’t going to hurt a bit. Until you're grown up and need years of therapy for it.
3. So here are the instructions: lubricate the tube, massage the belly towards the rectum, insert it until you hear a swishing sound. Uhhhhhh, seriously? Because just about every word in that sounds soooo wrong.
4. Is it just me or does this product remind anyone else of a little futuristic building? Like I totally want to go buy a few boxes and build a mini city out of these.
5. Oh wait, no, the website says this isn’t a toy. Duhhh, anything that has gone up a tush hole already or might go up a tush hole in the future is not a toy. I agree wholefartedly.
6. Hey, can I use this on my husband before we go to bed so I’m not hit by a giant fart cloud when I roll over in the middle of the night?
7. Wait, doesn’t this just get that one little fart that’s hanging out near the exit? What about the ones that are like wayyy in there?
8. You know, the Nosefrida said “snotsucker” on the package and I’m sorta missing that kind of descriptor here. But what on earth would this one be called? The fartfinder? The tootwhistler? The bumvacuum? The gasguzzler? The methanemuncher? Oh, the possibilities are endless.
9. Didn’t Richard Gere get involved with something like this in the 80’s? With a gerbil or something?
10. Wait a second, it says it’s recyclable. Into what?! Like could I be eating off a paper plate that was once a Windi?!! Hmmmm, this pasta salad tastes kinda funny, like I don’t know, uhhh maybe baby poop?!!!
11. I feel like if I bought this I’d put them on my fingers and be like, “Look at me, I’m Edward Scissorhands!” Especially if I liked olives because then I could wear them to a party and stab the olives and eat them off my Windi fingers. Hells yeah, Amazon, add to cart!